Dean Nelson: Having Kegs At Parties Makes Too Much Sense

HAMILTON, NY—After much research, Dean of the College Suzy Nelson announced, “Allowing kegs at parties makes too much sense.” This announcement came after an extensive report put together by a team in the Colgate Economics Department showed no reason not to allow kegs.

The report detailed the many benefits of allowing residences to use kegs at their parties. Researchers found that the rate of consumption was slowed: At a large Colgate party, research showed that 165 12oz. beers could be consumed in a matter of 5 minutes because of the quick access provided by many cases of beer with individual cans. This is compared to 15-20 minutes for a well-tapped keg without ever stopping the stream of beer. Researchers also found that a keg gives the buyer about 20-30 more beers for the same price than buying cases, and the data indicated that kegs lead to much less waste.

When asked for comment, Dean Nelson told us, “Had there been any reason not to do it, we would’ve done it. But this administration prides itself on making irrational decisions, and given the results of the report, it just wouldn’t be feasible for us to allow kegs.”