Freshman Guy Makes Out with Junior, Embraces Self with Glee

February 6, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—In a surprising turn of events after a long first semester at Colgate, Jordan Dexter ’19 totally made out with a hot junior at the Old Stone Jug on Monday night, and then held himself tight as if to contain all the delight coursing through his body.  Dexter, whose first semester at Colgate was marred with rejections from frat houses, blackouts induced by over enthusiastic pregaming, and a general lack of sexual activity, was finally able to attract a woman to the point where she was willing to make out with him while grinding to Sage the Gemini’s “Gas Pedal.”

        “It’s a song I’ll remember forever,” said Dexter as he swayed enthusiastically from side to side with his arms wrapped around himself.  According to his mother, Dexter is a total catch aside from the fact that he’s such a freshman.  Mrs. Dexter told this reporter that her son wore his Gatecard on a lanyard around his neck for the full first semester stating that, “it probably hurt his chances, but my Jordy is really such a sweet and handsome boy.”  Reports indicate that Dexter can’t believe his luck in successfully attracting and making out with a woman who has all the worldly knowledge and sexual confidence of a Colgate junior.

        Said Dexter, “This is the best day of my life. I wonder if she’ll be my Valentine!” Dexter was last reported hugging himself, skipping down the street to the Cruiser stop by the bookstore, and singing Gas Pedal at the top of his lungs.

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Foreign Dispatch: Student Abroad Cursed, Asked to Go Home

February 6, 2016 by Leave a Comment

STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN—A junior from Colgate University has been asked to return home early from her off-campus study group. While not officially a Colgate program, the Swedish group is affiliated with the university, but at this point is willing to sever ties. Professor Candee Fisher serves as Colgate’s representative to the Board of Directors for the Swedish Program but was reluctant to give details on the student’s fate.

One might ask what led to this stage and if one did ask, another might respond: so many things.  It all began innocently enough with a suitcase handle breaking while on an escalator, causing four people to fall again and again as the escalator pressed onwards.  Then all taxi drivers decide to strike at the same time outside the airport. Last, a slightly too forceful pull on the shower head causes a pipe to burst in the wall, ruining the plumbing for the floor. The problems progressed to dilemmas such as the supervising professor being trapped in an elevator for five hours as soon as the student disembarked. Eventually the dilemmas became crises when Sweden’s famous ‘condom ambulances’ all ran out of lubricated protection on the same day.

“I don’t know how she’s doing it, but we all know it’s her,” remarked the supervisor after his release from the elevator. “She’s always wearing an unlucky number 13. It’s better for all of us if she just goes home.”

The Office of Off-Campus Study, however, is refusing to allow the woman to come back. When asked to comment, a representative said, “we just barely managed to figure out how to send everyone abroad and they’re trying to create more work for us. If she really is cursed, that might explain why we had so many issues. Let them keep her for a little while. Maybe it’ll wear off.”

There is no word yet as to whether the fact Stockholm’s sewers are backing up and flooding the lakes has anything to do with the student in question.

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Bullshit Corner February

February 6, 2016 by Leave a Comment

You know what’s bullshit? I’m now a senior and I’ve spent a shitload of my time at Colgate waiting for people to get out of my goddamn way. To all you assholes out there guilty of holding people up on a daily basis, here are three things you can do to prevent people from wanting to burn a fucking effigy of your face.

  1. Stop acting like a fool at Slices. Listen up, dickholes. I know you’re drunk. I know you’re high. I know you think that makes you hot shit. But I hope you know everyone hates you. I guarantee the Slices lady hates you. I hate you, and I’m drunk too. The difference is, despite my blackoutness, I’m acting like a normal person and I don’t mind elbowing dumbasses in the balls/boob to get to my pizza. I only have three more months to enjoy my favorite food on the planet (I’m not being hyperbolic, I went abroad and nothing compares to Slices) and I have zero patience for your incredibly pathetic bullshit. Give the woman your money, take your pizza, and for god’s sake get the FUCK out of my way. Otherwise, I can’t guarantee I won’t verbally cut a bitch before graduation.  

 

  1. Have your PARCEL!!!!!!! email and your Gate Card ready when you pick up your package. If you’re that asshole who gets to the front of the package line and then says “hold on” while you scroll through your emails to figure out in which shelf/bucket/corner of the mailroom your package is located, you honestly don’t deserve a diploma from this “institution of higher learning” because you’re just straight up unprepared to live in the world as a human, let alone an adult. Get your fucking shit together.  

 

3. Shut the fuck up in the library. The amount of time I have spent glaring at people in the library waiting for them to stop using their waste of a voice box is unreal.  You idiots don’t understand that I’m trying to not fail my classes, but I have no choice but to listen to the stupid and often private bullshit you’re prattling on and on about: Your fuck buddy doesn’t want to hook up anymore so you went from being smitten to hating his/her evil guts? Why are you broadcasting this to the entire second floor instead of acting like a normal person? (i.e. crying to your best friend but acting like you don’t care in public.) Take a fucking lap and go to the Chapel House for a cookie and some quiet time.  

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Female Student Savagely Mauled by Out of Control Facial Hair

February 6, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—On Monday night at approximately 12:30 AM numerous reports came in that a woman had been viciously attacked at the Old Stone Jug. Eyewitnesses saw the dance-floor-make-out proceeding as normal until the woman yanked away, shrieking and clawing at the perpetrator’s scraggly facial hair. Bystanders were confused about the situation until strobe lights revealed the red irritated skin of her chin. The perpetrator did not stick around to assess the wounds his unkempt winter beard had inflicted and fled the scene.

The beardburn victim was evacuated from the building and rushed to the curb by her drunk friends, all of whom proceeded to ditch her for the allure of a hot slice and ranch. Campus Safety picked up the victim upon hearing her agonized moaning, mistaking her for a drunken public menace. A full-scale investigation is being launched by a Campus Safety officer, reportedly so bored out of his mind that he believes the case may actually prove more interesting than doling out parking tickets to cars parked on Academic Drive at 3:25PM.

An eyewitness at the scene of the crime, Kelly Smith ‘16 gave a statement to our reporters, “What? Why are you even asking me this? She wasn’t even bleeding!” While other sources have confirmed that no blood was drawn, the victim has an intensely sore chin that even hurts to wash.

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College Dems, Republicans, Host Caucus Night Event; Brawl Ensues

February 6, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—Campus Safety and Hamilton Police responded to calls at Persson 108 on Monday night, where multiple witnesses say a brutal brawl broke out between members of the College Democrats and College Republicans. The president of the College Republicans, Linus Azov ’16, described the events: “We hosted a joint event with the Dems to watch the Iowa Caucus results, but pretty soon we were all just staring at each other from across the room.” Nobody knows who initiated the fight, but soon both sides were going at it. “All of a sudden I was in a fistfight with someone who was screaming about how liberals were destroying the middle class,” said Dominic DeCocco ’17, a Democrat. Nor were the fights strictly along party lines. “Some guy pushed me against the wall and pressed a butane lighter to my cheek and asked if I ‘Feel the Bern.’ The thing is, I’m not even a Republican!” said Jerry Rivera ’18. The arrival of the Hamilton Police and Campus Safety did little to calm the fracas as students continued to fight. “I arrived just in time to see some kid in a ‘Cruz 2016’ shirt have a chair broken over his head by someone wearing a Jeb! hat,” said Officer David Waters of the Hamilton Police Department. “It was bedlam in there. I’m pretty sure I saw some crazy girl in a Hillary Clinton shirt biting into some poor Rubio supporter’s neck.”

It took police an estimated 30 minutes and two canisters of tear gas to pacify the students. 13 arrests were made. Police attribute the low number of injuries to a lack of alcohol, drugs, or Trump supporters present at the event. Leadership of both clubs confirm that next week’s debate watch party and pub will proceed as scheduled.

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Texas GDI Seeks Social Status, Applies to Kono

February 6, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—Noting that he is not on a sports team or part of Greek life, GDI and Colgate Junior Tanner Durant of Austin, TX has applied to be a part of Konosioni, seeking some semblance of social status. “Yeah, I really missed the boat on the whole Greek Life thing. I used to be part of a sports team back then, but now I don’t really have anything that matters around here.” Durant, who does not come from an exceptionally wealthy family and is not from the Northeast, desperately tried to apply to Konosioni. “I figure it’s my last hope for being part of any sort of relevant group here–and I use ‘relevant’ pretty liberally. I don’t think I’m that privileged, so that’ll definitely help my case.” The Texas GDI stated that all the bullshit administrative and philanthropic work for Kono might be worth it if he could just earn validation from his classmates. “I mean, it’s not like Kono is really respected, but it might look good on a resume, and who knows, maybe I can impress a few people with it around here.” Durant went on to say that while it was no substitute for being in a fraternity, maybe, just maybe, being part of the old honors society might make up for his lack of social integration and non-Tri-State place of birth. “Yeah, I could definitely see myself as part of Kono,” he said, looking more and more nervous as he considered his unimpressive resume and lack of leadership positions. “This is really what I need so I can be just one of the boys.” Reports indicate that Durant was not selected to join the honors society, however when reached for comment he stated, “Eh, it seems lame anyway.”

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Student Blacks Out, Does Volunteer Work

February 6, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—This past Friday afternoon, Julia Blackmon ‘16 decided to celebrate the weekend after getting out of her 12:20 with some of her friends. According to sources close to Julia, her drink of choice was tequila. After she drank a bit too much, Blackmon was found tutoring students in math at Hamilton Central School at 3:30 in the afternoon.

“Ugh, I rarely drink too much,” said Blackmon, “but when I do, I always do shit I would never think of doing otherwise.” Blackmon thinks of herself as a hard-working student who likes to spend time with her friends and enjoy the outdoors. However, like many Colgate students, Blackmon would never consider taking an afternoon to do any sort of volunteer work.

“Tequila makes some people angry, for others it makes them cry, and for Blackmon it makes her go do volunteer work in the community,” commented Valerie Teller, a friend of Blackmon’s. Teller recalled one time at 3am on Saturday when they found Blackmon completely incoherent and planting a flower garden in the backyard of Delta Upsilon. Says Teller, “It’s really becoming a problem.  She needs to get help before she becomes a public servant or joins the Peace Corps or something.”

Blackmon’s friends are planning an intervention to take place in the coming weeks. In unrelated news, Hamilton Central School is looking for new math tutors.

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SGA Presidential Candidates Revealed

February 6, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—With election season around the corner, we thought we’d give you a quick update on the 3 Colgate presidential candidates and what they are offering for the student body. We hope that everyone will use the below information to align themselves with a specific candidate and come out to vote!

Brian Saunders: If Brian is elected president, no one will pay for tuition. The money will come from somewhere, but no one will pay for it. In addition, Brian would like everyone to know that he attended the sit-in for a few hours, so he also supports racial equality. Brian’s campaign is also characterized by a big Broad Street reform, which focuses on breaking apart powerful organizations. In the end, Mr. Saunders expressed that he wants everyone to #feelthebrian, a slogan which few students are comfortable with.

Helen Clifford: Helen for Colgate is the slogan for Ms. Clifford’s campaign. While she stands in the shadow of her boyfriend, a former SGA president, Ms. Clifford wants the students to know that she is ready to take on the challenge. Helen promises to fix literally everything. We’ll see how that goes.  Though, according to Ms. Clifford herself, you should vote for her, because “you’re really going to vote for one of the other two guys?”

Dan Trufont: Dan Trufont has vowed to make this campus great again. He believes International students are unfairly stealing many spots that belong to unqualified American students. For those looking to learn more, Mr. Trufont will be holding a rally supporting alumni at the same time as a debate that the school is organizing. Supposedly he will not be debating the other candidates due to an ongoing feud with Dean Nelson, one of the moderators. Supposedly she was mean to him one time.

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Mathematics Department Determines that You’re Going to Die

February 6, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—The Colgate University Mathematics department has been hard at work compiling recent data from a probability study. The study looked at all of the different ways you might die, and the department determined that you will eventually die.

“We have all been told something along the lines of: the chances of getting killed by lightning are 1 in 10 million or the odds of getting killed by a shark are 1 in 500 million,” said Professor Matt Probst. “Therefore, we decided to add up all of those probabilities to see what the chances of dying are.”

After adding up every possible situation, Probst told us that there is a one hundred percent chance that you are going to die within 125 years of the day you were born. When further discussing the study, Probst mentioned the reality of just how many different ways you might die. He explained that there were some situations they hadn’t originally considered but had to factor in such as death by sheep (1 in 4 billion) and death by carrot juice over-consumption (1 in 7 billion). He went on to say that he wasn’t originally sure what the final probability of you dying would be, but that he’s happy with the number of 100%. 

Finally, Probst shared hopes that other groups will perform the same study to see if the results can be replicated. He is confident that his department was thorough with its report, and looks forward to publishing the study in an upcoming American Mathematical Society journal.

 

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Colgate Community Decides Climate Change is A Good Thing

February 6, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—Top professors and respected students met last Tuesday to discuss the topic of climate change. They focused on how climate change has impacted the University and what steps the University has taken to mitigate these effects. After a rather short deliberation they came to the conclusion that climate change has only had positive effects on the Colgate community. After the unseasonably warm months of December and January, student and professor morale has been spectacular. Even the Frank sandwich lady was overheard saying, “These damn kids aren’t that bad.”

The committee suggested a revised plan on Colgate’s climate change strategy. The new plan consists of only serving non-local foods in Frank, supplying quadruple-ply toilet paper, and having a weekly trash burning ceremony on Whitnall field. One committee member commented on the new plan, “Our aim is to increase our carbon output in order to ensure the long term student and faculty well being in future winters.” There has been little outcry against this new plan as everyone has been too busy enjoying the weather over the past couple weeks. All signs point to a Colgate community focused on doing everything in its power to make sure the hole in the ozone layer only grows larger.

 

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