Bullshit Corner February

You know what’s bullshit? I’m now a senior and I’ve spent a shitload of my time at Colgate waiting for people to get out of my goddamn way. To all you assholes out there guilty of holding people up on a daily basis, here are three things you can do to prevent people from wanting to burn a fucking effigy of your face.

1. Stop acting like a fool at Slices. Listen up, dickholes. I know you’re drunk. I know you’re high. I know you think that makes you hot shit. But I hope you know everyone hates you. I guarantee the Slices lady hates you. I hate you, and I’m drunk too. The difference is, despite my blackoutness, I’m acting like a normal person and I don’t mind elbowing dumbasses in the balls/boob to get to my pizza. I only have three more months to enjoy my favorite food on the planet (I’m not being hyperbolic, I went abroad and nothing compares to Slices) and I have zero patience for your incredibly pathetic bullshit. Give the woman your money, take your pizza, and for god’s sake get the FUCK out of my way. Otherwise, I can’t guarantee I won’t verbally cut a bitch before graduation.  

2. Have your PARCEL!!!!!!! email and your Gate Card ready when you pick up your package. If you’re that asshole who gets to the front of the package line and then says “hold on” while you scroll through your emails to figure out in which shelf/bucket/corner of the mailroom your package is located, you honestly don’t deserve a diploma from this “institution of higher learning” because you’re just straight up unprepared to live in the world as a human, let alone an adult. Get your fucking shit together.  

3. Shut the fuck up in the library. The amount of time I have spent glaring at people in the library waiting for them to stop using their waste of a voice box is unreal.  You idiots don’t understand that I’m trying to not fail my classes, but I have no choice but to listen to the stupid and often private bullshit you’re prattling on and on about: Your fuck buddy doesn’t want to hook up anymore so you went from being smitten to hating his/her evil guts? Why are you broadcasting this to the entire second floor instead of acting like a normal person? (i.e. crying to your best friend but acting like you don’t care in public.) Take a fucking lap and go to the Chapel House for a cookie and some quiet time.