HAMILTON, NY—Top professors and respected students met last Tuesday to discuss the topic of climate change. They focused on how climate change has impacted the University and what steps the University has taken to mitigate these effects. After a rather short deliberation they came to the conclusion that climate change has only had positive effects on the Colgate community. After the unseasonably warm months of December and January, student and professor morale has been spectacular. Even the Frank sandwich lady was overheard saying, “These damn kids aren’t that bad.”
The committee suggested a revised plan on Colgate’s climate change strategy. The new plan consists of only serving non-local foods in Frank, supplying quadruple-ply toilet paper, and having a weekly trash burning ceremony on Whitnall field. One committee member commented on the new plan, “Our aim is to increase our carbon output in order to ensure the long term student and faculty well being in future winters.” There has been little outcry against this new plan as everyone has been too busy enjoying the weather over the past couple weeks. All signs point to a Colgate community focused on doing everything in its power to make sure the hole in the ozone layer only grows larger.
The Monthly Rag 
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