HAMILTON, NY—In a surprising turn of events after a long first semester at Colgate, Jordan Dexter ’19 totally made out with a hot junior at the Old Stone Jug on Monday night, and then held himself tight as if to contain all the delight coursing through his body. Dexter, whose first semester at Colgate was marred with rejections from frat houses, blackouts induced by over enthusiastic pregaming, and a general lack of sexual activity, was finally able to attract a woman to the point where she was willing to make out with him while grinding to Sage the Gemini’s “Gas Pedal.”
“It’s a song I’ll remember forever,” said Dexter as he swayed enthusiastically from side to side with his arms wrapped around himself. According to his mother, Dexter is a total catch aside from the fact that he’s such a freshman. Mrs. Dexter told this reporter that her son wore his Gatecard on a lanyard around his neck for the full first semester stating that, “it probably hurt his chances, but my Jordy is really such a sweet and handsome boy.” Reports indicate that Dexter can’t believe his luck in successfully attracting and making out with a woman who has all the worldly knowledge and sexual confidence of a Colgate junior.
Said Dexter, “This is the best day of my life. I wonder if she’ll be my Valentine!” Dexter was last reported hugging himself, skipping down the street to the Cruiser stop by the bookstore, and singing Gas Pedal at the top of his lungs.
The Monthly Rag 
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