Texas GDI Seeks Social Status, Applies to Kono

HAMILTON, NY—Noting that he is not on a sports team or part of Greek life, GDI and Colgate Junior Tanner Durant of Austin, TX has applied to be a part of Konosioni, seeking some semblance of social status. “Yeah, I really missed the boat on the whole Greek Life thing. I used to be part of a sports team back then, but now I don’t really have anything that matters around here.” Durant, who does not come from an exceptionally wealthy family and is not from the Northeast, desperately tried to apply to Konosioni. “I figure it’s my last hope for being part of any sort of relevant group here–and I use ‘relevant’ pretty liberally. I don’t think I’m that privileged, so that’ll definitely help my case.” The Texas GDI stated that all the bullshit administrative and philanthropic work for Kono might be worth it if he could just earn validation from his classmates. “I mean, it’s not like Kono is really respected, but it might look good on a resume, and who knows, maybe I can impress a few people with it around here.” Durant went on to say that while it was no substitute for being in a fraternity, maybe, just maybe, being part of the old honors society might make up for his lack of social integration and non-Tri-State place of birth. “Yeah, I could definitely see myself as part of Kono,” he said, looking more and more nervous as he considered his unimpressive resume and lack of leadership positions. “This is really what I need so I can be just one of the boys.” Reports indicate that Durant was not selected to join the honors society, however when reached for comment he stated, “Eh, it seems lame anyway.”