Parents’ Weekend Drinking Game

September 26, 2016 by Leave a Comment

The wholesome celebration of Halloween weekend, the tender embrace of a reunited family—a sadistic administration that once again shoves these two events into the very same weekend. Hello folks, it’s that time of year again! A time to test our skills of pretending to be a responsible, functioning human being that drinks “only on occasion.” To our new freshmen: prepare yourself for failure.

Players: 2+

Materials: Pitcher of jungle juice, case of beer…a handle of vodka just to be safe

Instructions:

-Drink for every typo in a text you sent to your parents.

-If you can finish a coherent phone call with family members without causing suspicion, shotgun a beer.

-Take a shot for every parent at a party, clinging to their glory days.

-Finish three cups of jungle juice be- fore dinner with your parents. Live on the edge.

-Give up, they’ve known all along. Offer a round of family shots.

-Bring your parents to the Jug. Let them know their tuition is buying this part of the Colgate experience.

-Let your handle of vodka nurse you to sleep before the intervention your family’s planned for you in the A.M.

Filed Under: Drinking Games & Sex Positions, Uncategorized

The Casey Race

September 26, 2016 by Leave a Comment

This event is in honor of President Casey’s inauguration on September 30th. As we look back on where Colgate has been and look forward to where it will go, we expect not to see a dry eye in such an emotionally burdened crowd. More im- portantly, the Monthly Rag would like to remind you that this event does not need to be dry either.

Players: 2,800+

Materials: Any drink, fervent Colgate spirit

Instructions:

-For Casey’s pro-Greek life stance, enjoy a shot of vodka for every active Greek organization on campus Bonus: Take a shot of Everclear for ev- ery underground society

-Finish a beer for every President who has been in office during your time at Colgate; no exceptions to this rule for professors

-Take a drink if you’ve met Brian Casey

-GTFO if you don’t like Casey better

-During inauguration, drink when Casey says “the Colgate community”

-Finish your drink if he mentions the “Colgate Hello”

-Drink deeply if this is the higlight of your Homecoming Weekend

Filed Under: Drinking Games & Sex Positions, Uncategorized
September 26, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—The arrival of new president Brian Casey has stoked a serendipitous wave of joy in Hamilton. Students, faculty, and townies alike have declared that a new Golden Age for the university has arrived. On campus, students’ GPAs collectively rose as they found new motivation to study, hoping by impressing President Casey, he wouldn’t notice the giant mistake he made in accepting this job.

In the first seven seconds of his first day as president, Casey raised twice the amount of funds than ex- President Herbst did in his entire presidency. Alumni donations rose 113% overnight. Student organizations rejoiced as President Casey declared there would be no shortage of funds this year after leaving a meeting with the BAC, where Casey reportedly donated 739 solid gold bars. “I love this man,” said Maria Paesano ‘17 “He seems to be a functioning human being with a pulse, ya know, as opposed to our other administrators.”

Numerous students preparing to sue over outrageous tuition, abandoned their lawsuits and began to smile—“I literally don’t remember what it was we were supposed to be angry at,” said one, “I get a feeling this guy is going to sell out though.” Faculty members seemed to forget their petty departmental squabbles and were in a good enough mood to not fail students out of spite.

 

In the Village, joy prevailed. A random survey of townies found that they suddenly had a better impression of the university and its students, improving from absolute revulsion to annoying eye sore. Children sang in the streets and citizens everywhere were overcome with ecstasy. In the village gas prices dropped to 98 cents a gallon, and the creeks and lakes flowed with beer and wine. The students capped out a night of celebration of the new president with frivolous dancing and binge drinking, to celebrate the beginning of an administration that will likely change absolutely nothing—but it’s finally a nothing that we can feel good about.

https://themonthlyrag.com/2016/09/26/239/

Filed Under: Administration

Taylor Lake: The Disgusting Cesspool You Always Thought It Was

September 26, 2016 by Leave a Comment

Freshman, like the rest of us, were no doubt impressed by the beauty of Taylor Lake when they first toured Colgate, only to later start harboring thoughts of how disgusting it probably actually was. The recent layer of foul green algae that has settled in has no doubt confirmed your suspicion. We here at The Monthly Rag are happy to provide a history and celebrate of one of Colgate’s most beautiful and repulsive features.

1796- Elisha Payne, founder of the village of Hamilton, arrived at the farm one day to find that thirteen of his cows had died from Mad Cow disease; he disposed of the carcasses in the Lake..

1838- As religious fervor swept Upstate New York, Colgate ministers conducted immersion baptisms in the Lake. Unfortunately, the young Nathaniel Kendrick held a convert underwater a tad too long as he gave a speech about Divine Providence. The funeral was held on the spot as ministers let the body float away.

1873- A barge loaded with coal, lead, and oil traversing the now- defunct Chenango Canal runs aground and spills its cargo, which made its way into the Lake. The Great Spill of 1873 was made into a fun game when town gatherings were held to set the poisoned lake on fire.

1910-1953 Fraternities conducted unspeakable acts of hazing on the lake in the wee hours of the morn- ing. Trace amounts of hard drugs and bodily fluid can be found in the lake to this day.

1965- A student drunkenly crashed a car into the lake. Attempts to retrieve the car failed as it sank deeper and deeper into the mysterious grime that lays at the Lake’s bottom.

1981- After a meltdown at its nuclear plant in New Paltz, the state of New York Dept. of Energy buries toxic uranium beneath the lake in exchange for a generous and undisclosed amount of money to Colgate.

1983- Following the deposit of nuclear waste, reports of a “Loch Taylor Monster” begin to spread of a tentacled beast with seven eyes that eats drunk freshmen.

1988- A mutant man-toad-turtle is reported to be stalking the lake. Beast’s identity is later identified and confirmed to be former Colgate President Jeff Herbst.

1992: A student, possessed by the lively spirit of music and cocaine, sunk a piano into the watery depths.

1990’s-2000’s- Geese constantly shit in the lake. Just thought we’d remind you.

2015- Noxious toxins in the lake kill beloved Colgate swans Adam and Eve. Oh, you thought they were sent to a farm in Upstate New York to live happily ever after?

2016- Several thousand discarded beer cans cause current algae bloom.
Filed Under: Administration

Legacies Students Read Wrong Odyssey

September 26, 2016 by Leave a Comment

A wave of conflict and confusion has reportedly passed over Professor Anderson’s Legacies of the Ancient World course after his students read an online version of The Odyssey, rather than the traditional print form. Misunderstandings arose within the first few minutes of the 8:30 class.

Professor Anderson asked his students who authored the famous text, and eager freshman Katherine Jacobs responded, “Well, The Odyssey wasn’t really written by one person in particular. It was written by an engaged network of over 14,000 content creators who sought to spread both universal content and personal discovery through one united, accessible platform.” This student’s answer was met by reassuring nods from her classmates, but her professor remembers this moment as the first of many red flags. He responded to her answer, saying, “Ah, yes, I guess that’s mostly correct. Most scholars don’t believe Homer to be one single poet, but rather a synthesis of an oral storytelling tradition passed down through generations. So yes, in a way The Odyssey was written by a pretty large community. The more it was shared, the more the story interacted with its audience.”

Jake Somerville brought forth the overarching importance of home in The Odyssey which he found in articles such as Five Stages College Students Go Through When They Leave Home, Twelve Things You Have Totally Said While at Home for Break, and An Open Letter to the Girl Who Won Homecoming Queen.

At this point of the class, Anderson began searching the corners of the room, looking for prank show hidden cameras, until he finally said, “Are you messing with me? No, seriously? Did we read the same book?” When his statement was met with puzzled looks, Anderson reportedly threw his lecture notes into the air and said, “Sure! Of course you’re talking about Odysseus’ conflicting desires for homecoming and glory, right?! Sure! Fine! What else have you got?”

A reluctant sophomore, Sarah Murphy, raised her hand and suggested the importance of pride, vengeance, and loyalty in the society of The Odyssey, citing the article The Five Unspoken Rules of the Girl Squad.

In a display of stunning release, Professor Anderson stood on top of his desk and screamed to his class, “DO ANY OF YOU EVEN HAVE A FUCKING CLUE WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT? WHERE IS THIS SHIT COMING FROM?” Anderson reportedly let out a loud, primal scream before ripping his notes in half, throwing his chair out the classroom window, and leaving the room abruptly.

He announced later in the day his decision to retire from teaching, citing his “inability to connect with modern students” and his “extreme aversion to everything millennials stand for.”

Filed Under: Student Life

Ciccone Commons Cause Fear and Confusion

September 26, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—Life on the normally tranquil Colgate campus has been disturbed over the past few weeks as Curtis and Drake Halls and the Bryan complex have been mysteriously replaced by “Commons.” Most students report having no idea what these new structures could be. A Parke sophomore told the Rag “I used to live in Parke tower, but now I have no idea what is going on,” adding “I don’t know what it wants from us.” Linguistics major wanting to be identified only as Hal began studying these bizarre structures soon after they appeared, and he has become increasingly alarmed by his findings. “I think they are trying to communicate with us. Many of them have attached animal symbols to themselves, and markings that seem to advertise events called ‘Field Days’ and ‘Pizza Socials’ have appeared on their exterior surfaces.”

 

Hal also told us that they may be attempting to hold elections of some sort, possibly to find individuals that they can reveal their intentions to. Despite reporting interest in what plans these entities might have, one Drake resident told us he was unlikely to attend as all of them occurred at times when he “was either drinking or recovering from drinking.”

Filed Under: Administration

Hi! From Terry the Tour Guide

September 26, 2016 by Leave a Comment

Hiya homies, it’s Terry, your favorite tour guide, here to shine some light on the best of Colgate! To welcome our bright freshman that have yet to be worn down by years of our cutthroat academics, I thought I’d talk about some of our super funnest, most hallowed traditions!

The Colgate Hello: The Colgate Hello is infamous, and an integral component to our campus culture! The Colgate Hello extends far beyond your friends, professors, your semi- awkward acquaintances. Any human being with a pulse you make eye contact with deserves your sincerest salutations. Seniors especially—the more enthusiastic your hello, the more they will respect your freshman glory. Forcefully stopping a student that does not say hello back is a completely acceptable way to keep the practice strong.

Lucky 13: You know the saying that Colgate was founded by 13 men, with $13 and 13 prayers, but our lucky day has more to do with the infamous 13 than this stretched legend of ancient white men. Contrary to Wikipedia, all twelve films of the popular Friday the 13th slasher franchise were filmed in Hamilton, NY using real people! This was back in the day of yore before we had the point system to punish people folk—don’t be silly, we don’t murder students anymore! Our institutions’ success can be attributed to these films and the made bank they made for our endowment. Colgate’s unofficial motto is “There’s nothing luckier than buckets of cash monay!”

Torchlight: It’s common to see students leaving the library eyes bleeding, limbs shaking—it all goes to show that we don’t mess around here when it comes to being successful. Torchlight is a fun little tradition to make sure students never forget it! Torchlight originated in 1889 when exhausted students would carry torches to guide themselves home from the library to avoid slipping, falling, and dying in the blistering snowstorms that plague our campus.

Homecoming: Homecoming marks the triumphant return of the Wall Street White Boy, yearning for his sweet fraternity. Making millions of dollars simply can’t compare to the lifestyle of alcoholism, drug abuse, degradation of women, and lifestyle of absolutely zero responsibilities and consequences. The Environmental Studies department runs a study every year to analyze the migratory patterns of the hundreds of washed up frat stars returning home.

Filed Under: Opinions & Editorials, Student Life, Uncategorized

Exclusive: Presidential Candidate’s Physicals

September 26, 2016 by Leave a Comment

November 8th is once again approaching with the speed and certitude of a NASCAR crash. This year’s election has been especially unique in the attention paid to our can- didates’ health. In the midst the frenzy, The Rag has taken the time to analyze the hard facts regarding each of their physical exams. The results are as follows:

Donald Trump: Trump’s physical, conducted by a mysterious man who would only identify himself as Dr. Strangelove, painted a particularly orange portrait of a surprisingly healthy man. Despite the years of tanning beds and nefarious activities in lieu of serving in Vietnam, Mr. Trump’s physical was relatively normal. Dr. Strangelove did however add an addendum stating “Mr. Trump has the smallest, most dainty hands of any man, woman, or otherwise I have ever seen in my 30 years of pseudo-medical practice. His other extremities were proportional.”

Hillary Clinton: Secretary Clinton’s physical yielded the following: “error://unit HRC in disrepair due to short circuit. consequences include: coughing spells, fits of latent dishon- esty, and errors in vocal pitch regulation. Contact unit operator @DNCDebbieWassermanSchultz. note:server security is tenuous.end error message.” The message then insisted it was “strictly about yoga and weddings”, deleted itself, and the work/leisure Blackberry it was transmitted on was smashed with a hammer.

Gary Johnson: Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson surprised physicians by attending his physical after having just smoked marijuana. The last comment he made to doctors was “It’s puff, puff, pass, right?”. Johnson was in otherwise perfect health, but exhibited a concentrated amnesia on the subject of Middle Eastern geography.

Jill Stein: The most inconclusive of these exams however was that of Green Party candidate, Jill Stein. Stein was not able to attend her exam as she was ensconced in the only earnest memorial service for Cincinnati’s fallen angel, Harambe the gorilla. May his eternal soul rest in peace.

Filed Under: News

President Casey Brings New Pro-Greek Policies

September 26, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—Many students who participate in Greek life at Colgate were glad to hear that incoming president Brian Casey is outspokenly pro-Greek. Students anticipated that he might encourage the colonization of more fraternities and sororities and take a more lenient disciplinary stance, however his announcement on Tuesday detailing his pro- posed policies confounded many. In a statement he said “Greek life has obviously fostered thoughtfulness and leadership in many individuals. Many important figures in business, politics, and the arts were Greeks. For instance Spiro Agnew, George Stephanopolous, Andrea Tarantos, and Jim Gianopolous.”

His proposals included admitting more students with multiple o’s, k’s, and p’s in their names and turning the Colgate Chapel into a replica of the Parthenon. When asked about potentially colonizing new chapters, President Casey responded “Of course! The Greeks are great at colonization. They colonized the whole Aegean!” When someone pointed out Greece’s recent economic troubles Casey said “Of course they haven’t really been the same since they were conquered by Rome, but most of this stuff is probably the Germans’ fault. Anyway, it just means that there are more who want to come over here! The Greeks invented democracy and philosophy. They gave us Plato and Aristotle. Having a greater Greek presence at Colgate will greatly benefit our liberal arts community.”

Filed Under: Administration

Investigation of Emrys_at_Colgate

September 26, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—With President Casey’s arrival there has been an uproar around his Instagram account featuring his dog all over Colgate’s campus. Casey has been even been spotted speaking with students as his dog is paraded around iconic building like the Chapel. Luckily, Rag reporters got on the case to investigate how students are taking the new president’s social media splash.

Junior Emily McCewan, an avid Instagram user, was approached for her opinion on the Emrys Instagram. When asked about Emrys’ photo next to the Curtis Clock she responded, “I really like the lighting in the picture but I feel like a Valencia filter really would have brought out the brown in Emrys’ fur. It’s a rookie mistake, but I think that Pres. Casey has some potential.” McCewan is noted for her 1k Instagram followers and her extensive, bordering abusive, use of the “boomerang” feature.

Senior William Richardson told us what he disliked most about the Emrys Instagram, “Sometimes seeing Emry’s pictures in academic buildings makes me remember the dozens of times I’ve cried in those exact places. I’m getting emotional right now just thinking about my orgo test last year. I’m also not sure if he’s even a true Instagram user. It looks like he might be using VSCO cam on some of his pictures.” While we don’t take these allegations lightly, we do hope that Casey will come forward if he has been using third party apps to falsely increase the quality of his pictures.

Overall, students agree that President Casey’s Insta game is strong, but he has room to improve if he seriously wants to engage with social media savvy kids on this campus.

Filed Under: Administration
Next Page»