HAMILTON, NY—The arrival of new president Brian Casey has stoked a serendipitous wave of joy in Hamilton. Students, faculty, and townies alike have declared that a new Golden Age for the university has arrived. On campus, students’ GPAs collectively rose as they found new motivation to study, hoping by impressing President Casey, he wouldn’t notice the giant mistake he made in accepting this job.
In the first seven seconds of his first day as president, Casey raised twice the amount of funds than ex- President Herbst did in his entire presidency. Alumni donations rose 113% overnight. Student organizations rejoiced as President Casey declared there would be no shortage of funds this year after leaving a meeting with the BAC, where Casey reportedly donated 739 solid gold bars. “I love this man,” said Maria Paesano ‘17 “He seems to be a functioning human being with a pulse, ya know, as opposed to our other administrators.”
Numerous students preparing to sue over outrageous tuition, abandoned their lawsuits and began to smile—“I literally don’t remember what it was we were supposed to be angry at,” said one, “I get a feeling this guy is going to sell out though.” Faculty members seemed to forget their petty departmental squabbles and were in a good enough mood to not fail students out of spite.
In the Village, joy prevailed. A random survey of townies found that they suddenly had a better impression of the university and its students, improving from absolute revulsion to annoying eye sore. Children sang in the streets and citizens everywhere were overcome with ecstasy. In the village gas prices dropped to 98 cents a gallon, and the creeks and lakes flowed with beer and wine. The students capped out a night of celebration of the new president with frivolous dancing and binge drinking, to celebrate the beginning of an administration that will likely change absolutely nothing—but it’s finally a nothing that we can feel good about.
The Monthly Rag 
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