November 8th is once again approaching with the speed and certitude of a NASCAR crash. This year’s election has been especially unique in the attention paid to our can- didates’ health. In the midst the frenzy, The Rag has taken the time to analyze the hard facts regarding each of their physical exams. The results are as follows:
Donald Trump: Trump’s physical, conducted by a mysterious man who would only identify himself as Dr. Strangelove, painted a particularly orange portrait of a surprisingly healthy man. Despite the years of tanning beds and nefarious activities in lieu of serving in Vietnam, Mr. Trump’s physical was relatively normal. Dr. Strangelove did however add an addendum stating “Mr. Trump has the smallest, most dainty hands of any man, woman, or otherwise I have ever seen in my 30 years of pseudo-medical practice. His other extremities were proportional.”
Hillary Clinton: Secretary Clinton’s physical yielded the following: “error://unit HRC in disrepair due to short circuit. consequences include: coughing spells, fits of latent dishon- esty, and errors in vocal pitch regulation. Contact unit operator @DNCDebbieWassermanSchultz. note:server security is tenuous.end error message.” The message then insisted it was “strictly about yoga and weddings”, deleted itself, and the work/leisure Blackberry it was transmitted on was smashed with a hammer.
Gary Johnson: Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson surprised physicians by attending his physical after having just smoked marijuana. The last comment he made to doctors was “It’s puff, puff, pass, right?”. Johnson was in otherwise perfect health, but exhibited a concentrated amnesia on the subject of Middle Eastern geography.
Jill Stein: The most inconclusive of these exams however was that of Green Party candidate, Jill Stein. Stein was not able to attend her exam as she was ensconced in the only earnest memorial service for Cincinnati’s fallen angel, Harambe the gorilla. May his eternal soul rest in peace.
The Monthly Rag 
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