President Casey Brings New Pro-Greek Policies

HAMILTON, NY—Many students who participate in Greek life at Colgate were glad to hear that incoming president Brian Casey is outspokenly pro-Greek. Students anticipated that he might encourage the colonization of more fraternities and sororities and take a more lenient disciplinary stance, however his announcement on Tuesday detailing his pro- posed policies confounded many. In a statement he said “Greek life has obviously fostered thoughtfulness and leadership in many individuals. Many important figures in business, politics, and the arts were Greeks. For instance Spiro Agnew, George Stephanopolous, Andrea Tarantos, and Jim Gianopolous.”

His proposals included admitting more students with multiple o’s, k’s, and p’s in their names and turning the Colgate Chapel into a replica of the Parthenon. When asked about potentially colonizing new chapters, President Casey responded “Of course! The Greeks are great at colonization. They colonized the whole Aegean!” When someone pointed out Greece’s recent economic troubles Casey said “Of course they haven’t really been the same since they were conquered by Rome, but most of this stuff is probably the Germans’ fault. Anyway, it just means that there are more who want to come over here! The Greeks invented democracy and philosophy. They gave us Plato and Aristotle. Having a greater Greek presence at Colgate will greatly benefit our liberal arts community.”