Tinder Doesn’t Always Lead to Successful Relationships

September 26, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—Exclusive sources confirm that the popular dating app, Tinder, surprisingly doesn’t always lead to successful relationships at Colgate.

Launched in 2012, it soon became one of the premier dating apps on
the iPhone. Its simple swipe design allows users to easily and efficiently decide between potential matches, making deep emotional connection in a matter of seconds. Users horny in classes, in Case, or sitting on the toilet could simply pull out their phones and hope to connect with a new romantic partner. “The prospect of a quick bone–I mean finding love– is really what brought me to the app,” Jake Jones told our reporters. “I’m one of the nice guys, by the way.”

Recently however, sources say men are becoming more and more disen- chanted with the allures of the dating app. Freshman Will Thomas said, “Sure it’s cool to match with a girl after a couple hundred swipes, but I also want to connect in person. Planning dates to RIG is always fun, but you start to lose interest around the fourth or eighteenth time she flakes.”

These concerning comments from Thomas and from others like him reveal the common disconnect between Tinder’s male and female users. While male users seem to enjoy the idea of a nice hit it and quit it, the majority of women who use the app often have other things to do, such as positively contributing to society.

Filed Under: News

Colgate Senior Discovers New COOP and New Lows

September 26, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY— Students returning from off-campus study sometimes experience a culture shock upon returning to campus and to the U.S. However, shock does not quite describe the feelings of one senior, Martin Larsen, returning from the Geneva Study

Group as he re-encountered the Coop this fall. After being jaded by the high cost of living and mocked by snooty native French-speakers in ways he barely understood, the senior longed to gorge himself on endless mozz sticks and onion rings.

 

Unfortunately, Larsen’s beautiful plans could never be realized. The old ways of filling a to-go container to the brim, barely being able to close the lid, and paying for it with a single meal swipe are long over. Students are allowed only one likely need the COOP; students could only take one entrée and stand there as the staff laughed at their miserable selection of sides; and to top it off students had to ask for a to-go container at the register and hope it wasn’t one of the three days a week when none were available. Then they are allowed the opportunity of holding everyone else up as they transferred the pitiful mockery of what the COOP once meant from the useless metal basket to an undersized plastic container.

 

When the senior asked a staffer how this affected the unlimited meal plans, she replied “unlimited meals does not mean unlimited food.” Larsen, mistaking this response as a jesting riddle, probed the staffer further as she explained that students on that plan could swipe whenever they wanted as long as it wasn’t between 11 and 4. “It’s an unlimited plan except for the limitations.” Larsen stumbled out of the COOP, convinced he had crossed into the Twilight Zone on his way back from Geneva or that he needed to drink more in order understand the people who came up with these regulations.

At this time, Larsen was overwhelmed with regret for having pushed so hard to get rid of Sodexo. The evil you know is better than the one that tries to rip you off with overpriced sushi, a meal that perplexingly cannot be part of a meal plan.

Filed Under: Student Life

9/11 Memorial Run Not That Fun

September 26, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—Despite the best intentions of Class of 2019 Council, the memorial 5k held this month for the victims of 9/11 was not quite as fun as expected. Apparently, the festive decorations and enjoyable obstacle course did not manage to lighten the mood surrounding the event, says Jack Triphammer ‘18. “It was going well, until I remembered the 2,996 citizens that had their lives tragically cut short due to the tragic attacks of September 11th, 2001.” Triphammer reportedly laid down in the middle of his run, too depressed to pick up his feet for a second longer.

Although the weather held out nicely for the event, with sunshine beaming down onto a beautiful campus, participants apparently had some difficulty running with the added weight of the estimated 600 thousand innocent Iraqi souls killed in a ruthless, ill-executed retribution. Some runners did enjoy themselves, according to Diane Roudinni ‘17, at least until the “overwhelming and damning evidence of a complicit and willing federal government” caught up with them. Runners reported feeling deeply uncomfortable and purposefully vomiting at obstacles that equated the work of first responders to fun and games. 

Overall, the event was a huge success, raising $37.51 for the affected families whose lives were irreversibly devastated that fateful day 15 years ago.

Filed Under: Student Life
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