HAMILTON, NY—Wanted for Immediate Employment: Cute fall-festive guy to engage in romantic relationship, potentially coitus, for the duration of the autumn season. Employer is average-looking freshman girl, 5’8”, 135 lbs, fun, bubbly personality. Contract ends December 21, 2016 (first day of winter). Extension for winter season possible, decisions will be made on a case-by-case basis.

Duties include day outings to pumpkin patches, apple orchards, and corn mazes, wearing a hot, but still cute, couples Halloween costume, photographing employer during outings, and posing for photos with employer that will be edited, filtered, and posted to Instagram in a timely manner. Participation in No Shave November will nullify the contract, unless the scruff gives off a sexy lumberjack vibe. Fulfills 1 Physical Education Requirement; contact your advisor for more information.

Requirements: Smell like a pumpkin spice latte. Flannels and Bean boots encouraged. Photography experience recommended. Applicants will be evaluated on physical looks and not much else. Submit a copy of your headshot and resume to thirstygurl@colgate.edu by October 21, 2016 for consideration.

HAMILTON, NY— Students who tend Colgate’s community garden were shocked this weekend to discover that an autumn freeze had killed all the crops, cutting off the university’s only supply of food. “We showed up early to harvest the crops, but they were frosted over and died in the night,” said panicked senior Haley Quince, “Good God, we didn’t harvest enough crops to last us the winter! It’s too late to plant new ones! We’ll all starve!”

Food riots quickly broke out at Frank as students ransacked the dining hall for whatever they could scrounge. Grim-faced professors and administrators abandoned their posts to go plunder Price Chopper while some picked through the remnants of the dead crops at the garden. Freshmen hastily formed tribes and began hunting squirrels and geese for food; they were about as successful as one would expect a bunch of suburban New Yorkers to be at hunting.

Students quickly concocted radical solutions to the food shortage. “I hear Cornell has plenty of food; those Big Red Bastards are just hoarding it!” shouted Mark Merrick ‘19 to a large crowd brandishing torches and pitchforks. “We should march to Ithaca, take all their food, and burn their stupid campus to the ground— especially after that stupid Homecoming football game!” The crowd roared in assent as they envisioned stealing the bounty of Upstate New York: apples, dairy and vegetables— and from Cornell, no less.

The situation came under control as President Casey addressed the crowd from the Chapel. “Everyone, please be calm!” the president said, “I just called up a few friends and made some arrangements. There should be trucks with plenty of food arriving from New York and Boston by tomorrow morning that will keep us supplied through winter.” The Chapel erupted in applause as the President quietly announced that the plan to pillage and burn Cornell was still on.

Between sexilement, popcorn-related fire alarms, last-minute papers, lost keys, and simply not being able to find your way back home, there are many reasons you might not get your recommended 6 to 8 hours of sleep during your time at Colgate. If Deathwish coffee just doesn’t cut it for you anymore, you might need to revert to your old kindergartener ways. The Monthly Rag is here to give you the inside scoop on the best places to nap on campus.

#4- Peace and Conflict Lounge, Alumni Hall, Second Floor.

While it might look remarkably similar to the free couch on the side of the road, the orange sofa in the PCON lounge will gently cradle you and pull you in, like the promise of a free tee-shirt for declaring your major. It’s the perfect place to go to blissfully forget you didn’t even study for that midterm. Be careful not to directly challenge any of the PCON students if they already have a claim to the couch, as they study conflict all day and will not fight fair.

#3- Booth, Donovan’s Pub*

Take advantage of the fact that one of the three dining options available to students is barely ever open for business. Occasionally you may have to jimmy open the lock on the door to enter, in which case the entrance to the pub nearest the bathrooms usually provides the least difficulty. Once inside, you are practically assured privacy for a nice long nap.

#2- Lounge, Chapel Basement

If you weren’t already aware of this option you’re likely a heathen, but then again, so are many of us who attend the school with the motto “God and Truth.” If you do not burst into flames upon entry to the building, make your way to the basement, find an empty spot on the usually well-occupied set of couches, curl up, and let yourself be possessed with the most wonderful blessing a student can ask for: sleep.

#1- Raab House, President’s Residence*

Ever wish you could be just like President Casey? Well you can’t, but you can sleep like him. Much like Donovan’s Pub, this may require some finesse. The best option here is to ensure that President Casey is out walking his dog or in his office at 301 James B. Colgate Hall. This is likely the only way most of us will ever have the chance to sleep like a President.

*Selected entries are also popular on students’ hookup bucket list locations.