Our first installment of a new series called “Real Things Actually Happening in the World” . . .
Former Stanford swimmer Brock Turner wants to once again impose his will upon innocent college students, only this time it will take place in slightly better-lit areas and he’ll be given a microphone for some reason. That’s right, everybody’s favorite apotheosis of privilege could be coming to a campus near you to share his valuable insights on…hell if we know.
After serving his disturbingly short and later reduced prison sentence, Turner emerged the same irresponsible little shit he was before. Only now, he and his ne’er-do-well family have a plan to clear his name: a lecture series.
When asked why he wanted to do this, Turner resorted to his go-to response: “Challenging drinking culture and promiscuity in higher education” but later commented, “Honestly, they’re [college campuses] just asking for it.” This decision was lauded by California judges (but only the ones who were also college athletes and Stanford graduates) yet notably abhorred by anyone with ears and a tenuous grasp on reality. Given the dubious nature of this decision, The Rag has compiled a list of 13 ideas better than a Turner lecture series.
1. Summering in Syria
2. Eating a Jug dog
3. Snapchatting former Congressman Anthony Weiner
4. Drinking the punch
5. Participating in a Miss Universe Pageant
6. Jill Stein’s presidential bid
7. Attending Trump University
8. Killing Kendrick’s vibe
9. Gazing long into an abyss (for soon it will also gaze into you…) 10. Pissing off a writer at The Rag
11. Setting up a private email server in your bathroom
12. Invading Russia in the winter
13. Buying a Samsung Galaxy Note 7
The Monthly Rag 
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