HAMILTON, NY— Students who tend Colgate’s community garden were shocked this weekend to discover that an autumn freeze had killed all the crops, cutting off the university’s only supply of food. “We showed up early to harvest the crops, but they were frosted over and died in the night,” said panicked senior Haley Quince, “Good God, we didn’t harvest enough crops to last us the winter! It’s too late to plant new ones! We’ll all starve!”
Food riots quickly broke out at Frank as students ransacked the dining hall for whatever they could scrounge. Grim-faced professors and administrators abandoned their posts to go plunder Price Chopper while some picked through the remnants of the dead crops at the garden. Freshmen hastily formed tribes and began hunting squirrels and geese for food; they were about as successful as one would expect a bunch of suburban New Yorkers to be at hunting.
Students quickly concocted radical solutions to the food shortage. “I hear Cornell has plenty of food; those Big Red Bastards are just hoarding it!” shouted Mark Merrick ‘19 to a large crowd brandishing torches and pitchforks. “We should march to Ithaca, take all their food, and burn their stupid campus to the ground— especially after that stupid Homecoming football game!” The crowd roared in assent as they envisioned stealing the bounty of Upstate New York: apples, dairy and vegetables— and from Cornell, no less.
The situation came under control as President Casey addressed the crowd from the Chapel. “Everyone, please be calm!” the president said, “I just called up a few friends and made some arrangements. There should be trucks with plenty of food arriving from New York and Boston by tomorrow morning that will keep us supplied through winter.” The Chapel erupted in applause as the President quietly announced that the plan to pillage and burn Cornell was still on.
The Monthly Rag 
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