Deer Take Hostages in Advance of Annual Culling

HAMILTON, NY—Panic swept across campus this morning as the annual Hamilton Deer Cull drew near. Three freshmen were dragged, screaming, from their dorms by some of the village’s most aggressive and destructive residents—the deer. “They just broke down the door, four of them, and took Courtney,” sobbed Marisa DeLeon ‘20, as she stood outside her Andrews dorm. Two freshman boys were also abducted by the deer from West Hall who reportedly wore ski masks as they smashed the windows to gain entry. In both instances, the deer left ransom notes in the bedrooms of those taken. “If you ever want to see students again, cancel Annual Deer Culling!!! Also, deliver $100,000 cash and salt blocks to the woods. No cops!”

Hamilton Mayor and Colgate professor, Bob McVaugh, is said to be in close consultation with President Casey and the New York State Police. “We’re currently weighing all of our options on how to respond to this crisis,” McVaugh said. Police weighed a man-hunt to retrieve the students, meeting the deer’s demands or even continuing with the cull as planned. “Look, I want to get those students back safely as much as the next guy, but my wife will kill me if I let the little monsters eat her flowers again,” McVaugh said. Sgt. Hartmann of the NYSP confirmed. “I mean we could mount a rescue operation, but there’s just so much forest around here. I’d have to call men from as far away as Cortland and Oneonta, and we just… oh, that’s just gonna be so much work. You said they’re only freshmen, right? Not sophomores or upperclassmen?”

 

After some debate, the majority of the community had decided it was just better to go through with the culling as planned. At press time, the deer re- leased a video of them trampling one of the hostages to a pulp.