Plans Underway for Campus Safety and Residential Life Merger

HAMILTON, NY— Colgate plans to launch a complete revamping of the Campus Safety and Residential Life department by slashing staff and combining them into a smaller office. Plans to construct a new building on the Field of Dreams are underway; sources have told us that the wild inconvenience of the location, as well as the advantage of greater access to smoking with students, is ideal. Complaints have been ongoing for years about the overall inefficacy and absolute moronic functioning of these departments. A ResLife staff member said, “We’ve figured out that the problem is that we’ve been coddling students far too much. For this merger, less really is more.” The new hours will be from 1-4 PM, Sundays through Tuesdays only. Students will have to fill out a seven-page application and complete a four-hour ropes course to receive a permit that allows them to contact to staff members. Violators without permits will immediately be relocated into a forced triple in Curtis.

As Colgate continues to rise in the ranks as a party school, efforts have been focused on the highest standard of safety encompassing every aspect of student life. The head of Campus Safety told a Rag reporter, “We’re working on placing a live-in Campo officer in every residential building, including some of the apartments. Why waste the space of a dingle, when you can stick Campo in a double with a student—it gives them a real sense of security, confidence. For the student, I mean.” Names for the new department are still up in the air, but some of the stronger suggestions have included “Big Brother Colgate” and “Gate Dick-tators.”