HAMILTON, NY—Expressing feelings of sadness and anger, first-year Colgate student Anna Smith just confirmed that her current lack of friends is completely due to her not liking the song “Closer (feat. Halsey)” by American DJ duo The Chainsmokers.
Recently, Smith was spotted sitting completely alone in Frank Dining Hall, a suspicious sign given that freshmen girls are known to travel in packs. When a reporter reached out to Smith for a comment on her unusual dining situation, she promptly burst into tears and began telling the story of her exile from her friend group.
According to Smith, the incident began during a typical pregame for Freshmen Jug Night. Smith and her friends were busy pouring Frank cranberry juice and flavored Smirnoff into old plastic water bottles when Smith began playing music from her phone. The trouble started when Caroline Roche ’20, who was frantically trying to finish applying her eyeliner, drunkenly shouted, “You know what song I loooove dancing to at the Jug? And put on my snap story like every time I hear it? Closer!” according to Smith.
Following Roche’s declaration, the other girls vigorously agreed with her and began peppering Smith with requests to play the song. “After that, you know, I just thought that maybe it would be okay to say ‘Actually, I don’t like that song that much, maybe can we listen to something by Lil Yachty instead?’ But they all just stared at me, and one said, ‘Play the song or get out,’” said Smith as she tried to dry her eyes. “I laughed because I thought they were joking but then Caroline told me that I had to leave her room.” Smith was forced to return to her room while tipsy and alone, missing Freshmen Jug Night. Since the incident, she has not heard from a single one of her friends and is routinely ignored by them around campus.
At press time, Smith was beginning to frantically text every group chat that she was a part of saying that she had changed her mind and actually loves the song now.
The Monthly Rag 
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