HAMILTON, NY—Due to declining enrollment number, President Brian Casey has been forced to privatize a number of student services. It was announced on Wednesday that all of Colgate’s student residential facilities would be sold to local real estate mogul Wayne. Wayne has previously been accused by the Department of Housing and Urban Development of being a slumlord, but when contacted by the Rag he refuted these allegations. “Tell me what’s better ventilation than a few holes in the wall and roof? Huh! Plus, the Iroquois ain’t had no plumbing and you ain’t hear them complaining!” Upon gaining ownership of the residences, Wayne immediately fired all Building and Grounds personnel, and has begun removing all copper pipes and wiring from the building, which allegedly cause birth defects.
President Casey also announced that all dining halls were being sold to local restraunteur John Jug, who immediately announced that all food items would immediately be replaced by a mysterious substance dubbed “Jug Dogs.” Although no student admitted to having tried one, Mr. Jug insisted that “They got relish, onions, ketchup. And probably meat, everything you need in a balanced meal.” He also announced that all soda fountains would be replaced with fully stocked alcoholic bars and that his number one priority would be to end the epidemic of bench and table standing related injuries.
The Monthly Rag 
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