HAMILTON, NY—As an act of community engagement, Colgate’s transportation provider, First Transit, has offered an exclusive interview with one of their morn- ing drivers to the Monthly Rag. By request of First Transit, all names and current employment statuses have been replaced or removed from the transcript. 

Rag Correspondent– Can you tell us a little about your experience with First Transit? How and why did you first come into working for them?

Cruiser Driver– Well, they were working the old drivers 26 hours a day and then thought they whined too much. I needed something where my bosses wouldn’t care about the quality of my work and where I could relieve some of my more sadistic tendencies.

RC– Can you describe some of the perks of your job for our readers?

C. Driver– Sure. I get to take a lot of smoke breaks between runs, and I like kicking people off the Cruiser. Now, some drivers like to accommodate the poor suckers and fit a bunch of ‘em in the front, but what I like to do is barely fill up, sit at Parker for five minutes and then watch people who are running late run up and ask to come in, then pretend there’s nothing I can do and drive off.

RC– Can you talk a little about the camaraderie of the drivers?

C. Driver– That’s actually one of the better parts of my day, we’re a very close team. After the 9AM runs there aren’t many students on our Cruisers so we mostly just gossip about all your petty, privileged asses abusing the Cruiser like we’re your personal Uber.

RC– I just have one last question: What happens when students send in Cruiser Feedback? For example, what happens when we ask if First Transit would provide larger cruisers?

C. Driver– Well, those emails don’t actually go to First Transit. We get those sent directly to the drivers so we get to know exactly how miserable people’s lives are. It’s like our funny pages. Why would we need feedback when we know the Cruiser system is flawless?

[At this point, Cruiser Driver was running late for her second job as a ferry operator in Hell and had to leave.]

HAMILTON, NY—In a display of widespread peaceful demonstration, over 300 students organized a multi-day Hacky-Sack-in on the Field of Dreams this week to protest the construction of a new residential hall. The building, which would be named the Jonathan and Michelle Jug Residential Complex, was met with initial support from some community members, who said that they were glad to see the end of forced triples and the hellhole that is Gate House. However, a coalition of students calling themselves the Students Together Opposing New Expanded Residential Spaces have become engaged in efforts to prevent construction of the building due to concerns over preserving the land for cultural, historical, and environmental reasons.

The S.T.O.N.E.R.S. protesters contend that the construction of the building would disturb sites that are culturally sacred and historically significant for the Colgate community. Julia Reefer ’17 told a Rag reporter, “Our people have called this place the Field of Dreams and have held rituals here for many generations. Res Life is causing the deliberate destruction of our sacred spaces and disrespect of our ancestors for their own self-interests.”

Other activists expressed environmental concerns. A leader of the protesters, Michael Toker ’18, describes how he first became invested in the preservation of the Field of Dreams, saying, “I woke up from a nap, like a couple weeks ago, and I went up to the Field of Dreams for a . . . walk, yeah, a nature walk. And I saw all these trucks and stuff digging in the field, and I was like, ‘No way, this is a habitat for, you know, like, birds!'” Junior Mary Jane Wallace echoed these sentiments, adding, “One time I was sitting up here and a whole herd of deer came out of the woods, and I locked eyes with one of the does, and it was like, whoa, heavy shit, man.”

The protesters have been joined by celebrity environmental activists who have flown in to support their cause. High-profile supporters, such as Seth Rogen, Snoop Dogg, and that one professor who talks a little too freely about smoking pot to his students, have made the trek to Hamilton because they feel that the construction of the dorm violates of civil rights. Rogen said to a reporter, “The Colgate administration is trying to prevent these students from exercising their fundamental rights to get outdoors and have a place to chill in nature. It should be LEGAL for them to ROLL around in the GRASS up on the field . . . Huhuhuh, get it?” Students later expressed that they did not know why Rogen showed up or who had invited him.

When notified of the student protests by Campus Safety, President Brian Casey and members of the Colgate administration arrived promptly at the construction site and spoke with student leaders, discussing their demands that the construction be halted and the location of the residence complex be changed completely. Casey stated that he is prepared to “let it play out for a few more weeks,” but the protesters have pledged to stay until the planned residence halls are relocated, or at least until their Doritos run out.

HAMILTON, NY—First-year student and Southern California native, Elizabeth Ackerley, explained to her friends with animation and positivity that her parents were indeed as excited as she was by the first scuff that her brand new Bean Boots had received.

Apparently Elizabeth’s mother, Lisa Ackerley, was concerned about her daughter’s well-being, as she did not get the same chance as the East Coast mothers to over-parent her during Parents Weekend. When Lisa began peppering Elizabeth with questions about the fall weather and whether or not she felt that she fit in, Elizabeth pulled out the story that she knew would put all her mother’s fears to rest: scuffing her Bean Boots for the first time.

Elizabeth reportedly told her nervous parents that she had begun wearing the boots in early October, about the time temperatures dipped below 50 degrees. “Initially, I thought that I had bought the wrong shoes or something, because I didn’t see anyone else with the same boots. A few weeks later, though, when all the East Coast kids started wearing their Bean Boots, I realized what the problem was. Mine were too new!”

As Elizabeth explained to her parents, her issue was resolved at the second football game of the year. At the game, Elizabeth was drinking hard cider out of water bottles with some other students whose parents were unable to visit. Elizabeth discovered that she was a little drunker than she realized when she stood up to leave the game and promptly tripped down the bleachers, suffering a concussion and a broken right arm. When Lisa seemed worried after the mention of Elizabeth’s drunk antics, Elizabeth reassured her that “the fall and injuries were actually completely worth it, because I finally scuffed the right side of the toe of my left Bean Boot!” While initially her parents were confused about the significance of the scuff, Elizabeth explained that her social life had changed since the incident and that she now felt like one of the most popular freshmen girls at Colgate. With that, her parents ended their questioning and Elizabeth was free to return to sleeping off her hangover in bed.

At press time, Elizabeth was telling her friends that she should have told her parents that she actually needed a Barbour jacket to completely fit in, because she had spent her entire clothing budget at the Jug.

HAMILTON, NY—Hamilton Police apprehended juniors Matt “Luch” Castapadaluccesione and Robert “Jefe” Christopher when responding to report of trespassing from a local farmer. Investigators were baffled by the fact that the two were wearing robes at the time and seemed to be attempting to steal a goat. However, in the course of the investigation it was revealed that the two were taking part in a Delta Upsilon ritual. Local police were forced to obtain a federal warrant and SWAT team to enter the house due to the fraternity’s strict “No Geeds” policy. In the basement, investigators found several altars and effigies of a strange lizard-like figure. “Yo, his name is Ooooooze, and he’s, like, not of this world,” one brother told them.

The brothers have apparently been sacrificing to an inter-dimensional reptile for years, in order to assure a steady crop of “solid eights and above,” for their legendary open parties. “I mean, yeah, we usually burn a little fire bud, a goat, and a VHS copy of Fight Club to this hard-partying lizard god a couple times a year, but it’s, like, a strong part of our brotherhood,” said Louis “The Greek” Kyrikidapoulas,“He gives us guidance on how to live a dope life and score with hotties. I thought he wouldn’t be that chill, since he’s from the Moran IX galaxy, but he’s totally not a squid, that’s like two universes over.” When asked why this multi-dimensional entity required these items he responded “I don’t know, don’t judge the homie. We made Cabo eat a shit ton of spiders, and he’s said they tasted pretty loud, so like, chill, different stroke for different folks, know what I mean?” Fraternity president Mike “Roche Boi” Frattaloni told the Rag, “I mean like I get why people might thinks it’s strange, but honestly, when he comes through during the eclipse of Sagittarius, it’s a straight dope time. Nobody gotta hate, we’re just a bunch of dudes that like to get down, and yeah, sometimes there’s a chill lizard dude, so like, rush DU.”

HAMILTON, NY—Early Monday of this week, the Psychology Department began a new study investigating the psychological effects of espresso withdrawals. In the span of twenty-four hours, the espresso machines in both Hieber Cafe and Frank Dining Hall have mysteriously “broken.” Regarding the incident, one student reportedly said, “I have to drink coffee coffee? Like a plebeian?”

Another student, upon seeing the “Broken Espresso Machine” sign, reportedly burst out into hysterics and hurled his backpack across Frank, concussing another student while simultaneously toppling both waffle irons.

One student reported just missing her daily life talk with the Frank barista, who, like crème brûlée, is tough on the outside but on the inside is warm, sweet, and made of egg custard.

The Psychology Department did not predict the extremity of students’ reactions and acknowledged that the widespread anger could culminate in riots. In addition, many parents are making threats in their Facebook group to discontinue donations if this espresso-less travesty persists. Due to the extremity of the threats, the administration has promised to return espresso machines to both locations effective immediately. President Casey reportedly told the Psychology Department to keep their experiments in the Olin basement. Though the experiment was cut short, results will eventually be posted on a giant poster that no one will ever read.