Cruiser Confessional

HAMILTON, NY—As an act of community engagement, Colgate’s transportation provider, First Transit, has offered an exclusive interview with one of their morn- ing drivers to the Monthly Rag. By request of First Transit, all names and current employment statuses have been replaced or removed from the transcript. 

Rag Correspondent– Can you tell us a little about your experience with First Transit? How and why did you first come into working for them?

Cruiser Driver– Well, they were working the old drivers 26 hours a day and then thought they whined too much. I needed something where my bosses wouldn’t care about the quality of my work and where I could relieve some of my more sadistic tendencies.

RC– Can you describe some of the perks of your job for our readers?

C. Driver– Sure. I get to take a lot of smoke breaks between runs, and I like kicking people off the Cruiser. Now, some drivers like to accommodate the poor suckers and fit a bunch of ‘em in the front, but what I like to do is barely fill up, sit at Parker for five minutes and then watch people who are running late run up and ask to come in, then pretend there’s nothing I can do and drive off.

RC– Can you talk a little about the camaraderie of the drivers?

C. Driver– That’s actually one of the better parts of my day, we’re a very close team. After the 9AM runs there aren’t many students on our Cruisers so we mostly just gossip about all your petty, privileged asses abusing the Cruiser like we’re your personal Uber.

RC– I just have one last question: What happens when students send in Cruiser Feedback? For example, what happens when we ask if First Transit would provide larger cruisers?

C. Driver– Well, those emails don’t actually go to First Transit. We get those sent directly to the drivers so we get to know exactly how miserable people’s lives are. It’s like our funny pages. Why would we need feedback when we know the Cruiser system is flawless?

[At this point, Cruiser Driver was running late for her second job as a ferry operator in Hell and had to leave.]