HAMILTON, NY—Hamilton Police apprehended juniors Matt “Luch” Castapadaluccesione and Robert “Jefe” Christopher when responding to report of trespassing from a local farmer. Investigators were baffled by the fact that the two were wearing robes at the time and seemed to be attempting to steal a goat. However, in the course of the investigation it was revealed that the two were taking part in a Delta Upsilon ritual. Local police were forced to obtain a federal warrant and SWAT team to enter the house due to the fraternity’s strict “No Geeds” policy. In the basement, investigators found several altars and effigies of a strange lizard-like figure. “Yo, his name is Ooooooze, and he’s, like, not of this world,” one brother told them.
The brothers have apparently been sacrificing to an inter-dimensional reptile for years, in order to assure a steady crop of “solid eights and above,” for their legendary open parties. “I mean, yeah, we usually burn a little fire bud, a goat, and a VHS copy of Fight Club to this hard-partying lizard god a couple times a year, but it’s, like, a strong part of our brotherhood,” said Louis “The Greek” Kyrikidapoulas,“He gives us guidance on how to live a dope life and score with hotties. I thought he wouldn’t be that chill, since he’s from the Moran IX galaxy, but he’s totally not a squid, that’s like two universes over.” When asked why this multi-dimensional entity required these items he responded “I don’t know, don’t judge the homie. We made Cabo eat a shit ton of spiders, and he’s said they tasted pretty loud, so like, chill, different stroke for different folks, know what I mean?” Fraternity president Mike “Roche Boi” Frattaloni told the Rag, “I mean like I get why people might thinks it’s strange, but honestly, when he comes through during the eclipse of Sagittarius, it’s a straight dope time. Nobody gotta hate, we’re just a bunch of dudes that like to get down, and yeah, sometimes there’s a chill lizard dude, so like, rush DU.”
The Monthly Rag 
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