HAMILTON, NY—After the attempt to close Beta Theta Pi was met with financial resistance by their deep-pocketed alumni network, the organization was saddled with a national representative. With the student body no longer even pretending the chapters supposedly closed years ago are actually gone, the administration has finally realized they have reached the extent of their power over Greek life. However, they cannot appear impotent in impeding on the social affairs of students and so have developed a new approach. They have turned their attention to clubs and sports teams.
The weak targets have become the guinea pigs for this new program. Due to some long-forgotten oversight, the pep band falls under the authority of the athletics department, one of the few extracurriculars that despite their best efforts cannot qualify for D1 status. In the interest of ruining the interests of students, the board has authorized the department, run by former jocks, to resort to their high school instincts to target music dorks.
It began by denying the band the opportunity to play at football games but still parading them around tailgates. The band acquiesced to the department with little complaint, mostly due to their high school training years of grueling practice and no appreciation. Then the administration tightened the screws, only allowing the band to play at soccer games if it was the third Tuesday in a month with five Mondays. However, much like the frats, the pep band continued to rage on. It appears that the resilience of the pep band comes from their nature as spiteful, tenacious former and current nerds who spit in the face of adversity. Nevertheless, the administration needs an organization to go down soon in order to sate their sadistic appetites for ruining student experiences. The next target has already been chosen. Only time will tell if the Mantiphondrakes can handle an administrative crackdown any better.
The Monthly Rag 
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