HAMILTON, NY—Doctors at Hamilton Community Memorial Hospital worked late into the night as hundreds of students were hospitalized for alcohol poisoning in the wake of the presidential election. “We received a few dozen students at the outset of the evening, mostly freshmen who got too sloppy as the first few states came in,” said Dr. Brian Randall. “As the night wore on, the numbers climbed; we peaked at around 1 A.M.”
Campus Safety received multiple calls across campus from students who had
chosen to imbibe dangerous amounts of alcohol rather than grapple with the implications of a Trump presidency. “By 10 P.M. we had all officers answering calls in dorms and academic buildings, basically anywhere people were gathering to watch the election,” said Officer Krupkay of Campus Safety. An initial 114 students were brought to the hospital with alcohol poisoning when Trump began to build his Electoral College lead. That number rose to 236 students when Trump claimed victory in Ohio and Florida, and then 391 when his lead in Michigan and Wisconsin sealed the noble Secretary Clinton’s defeat.
“You think it’s been a rough night for America? Try being a nurse at the hospital,” said Dr. Randall. “Most of them had to endure semi-conscious students mumbling names of states that turned red in between bouts of vomiting. We’re 95% sure the vomiting was from the alcohol, but there’s a chance it was just revulsion at having to hear the phrase “President Trump” for the next four years.” According to hospital statistics, the average BAC was .20 for the 20 states that Clinton won.
The Monthly Rag 
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