Psychology Department Conducts Study to Observe Student Reactions to Broken Espresso Machine

HAMILTON, NY—Early Monday of this week, the Psychology Department began a new study investigating the psychological effects of espresso withdrawals. In the span of twenty-four hours, the espresso machines in both Hieber Cafe and Frank Dining Hall have mysteriously “broken.” Regarding the incident, one student reportedly said, “I have to drink coffee coffee? Like a plebeian?”

Another student, upon seeing the “Broken Espresso Machine” sign, reportedly burst out into hysterics and hurled his backpack across Frank, concussing another student while simultaneously toppling both waffle irons.

One student reported just missing her daily life talk with the Frank barista, who, like crème brûlée, is tough on the outside but on the inside is warm, sweet, and made of egg custard.

The Psychology Department did not predict the extremity of students’ reactions and acknowledged that the widespread anger could culminate in riots. In addition, many parents are making threats in their Facebook group to discontinue donations if this espresso-less travesty persists. Due to the extremity of the threats, the administration has promised to return espresso machines to both locations effective immediately. President Casey reportedly told the Psychology Department to keep their experiments in the Olin basement. Though the experiment was cut short, results will eventually be posted on a giant poster that no one will ever read.