HAMILTON, NY— In an effort to release some of the tension on campus post-election, the College Democrats and Republicans have come together to host the political event of the year. Sending one representative from each group, the most fervent and obnoxious Trump and Hillary supporters will face off in a gladiator-style battle to the death.
College Republicans have shared that they plan to determine their representative by hosting an in-house debate, timing candidates on their ability to talk for the longest amount of time without saying anything of actual substance. College Democrats are vetting their members through surveys of how many times they’ve broken down into tears in public since the election.
The event is to be held in Love Auditorium, where highly sought after tickets will include a small basket of fruits and vegetables for the audience to throw. “The fruit throwing should be especially therapeutic for students that are tired of thinking about how our country will go to shit in the next four years,” shared President Brian Casey, voicing his support for the event.
The two political representatives will face off armed with a constitution and a handful of throwing knives. A mediator will pose scenarios and the pseudo-gladiators will defend their beliefs on its constitutional merits; the audience will throw food, and whoever is filthiest by the end of the five-minute round must stand in a small cage and attempt to dodge the winner’s throwing knives for a full minute. The battle will end either with the representatives renouncing support for their political candidate, or death. College Democrats and Republicans have both given statements that they will not be sending anyone who would not die for this absolutely pointless display of support.
The Monthly Rag 
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