Parents Disturbed to Learn How Good Their Kids are at Drinking

HAMILTON, NY—Parents of Colgate students nationwide have been shaken to the core upon the return of their first-year students for the holidays. After an entire semester of drinking away their social anxieties and academic insecurities, Colgate first-years from near and far have become diagnosable alcoholics.

As students return home from their first semester at college, they are ecstatic to find their parents have relaxed the strict drinking regulations that were implemented during their years in high school. It seems many first-years have been unable to reconcile their family’s casual drinking etiquette with the competitive binge

drinking rituals they have picked up at school.

One source reports that a first-year was seen finishing an entire bottle of wine by herself at an intimate family gathering, taking a knee and drinking the whole bottle in a single chug while fist pumping. When the first-year rose seeking out high-fives and admiration from her family members, she was met only with blank stares.

“She’s not even 21, I just don’t understand how she has been able to drink such vast quantities of hard liquor on such a regular basis,” said one first-year mother, who would prefer to remain anonymous. “I even roofied her drink at dinner one night, she wasn’t even fazed!”

Parents reached out to Mark D. Thompson, Interim Vice President and Dean of the College, beseeching Colgate to provide more campus resources for students struggling with alcoholism. Thompson responded

via campus-wide email saying, “Many [students] feel uncertain about the future. Others feel unable to share their beliefs without being ostracized. It is important to note that alcohol can be a useful tool for coping with existential panic. We strive to be an academic commu- nity that allows for friendly competition and drinking in excess on any night of the week. We must, therefore, find constructive ways to engage with one another around racks of Keystone and coolers of jungle juice.”

When parents reached out to the Board of Trustees to comment on the issue of Colgate’s dangerous drinking culture, the Board responded, “The Class of 2020 is full of entitled millennial lightweights.”