Student Group Demands Safe Space for Shitting on Safe Spaces

HAMILTON, NY—Still shaking with fear and anger from his recent confrontations with differing viewpoints, Luke Erickson ’18, the leader of a student group at Colgate, explained the group’s rationale for creating a new safe space on campus.

Erickson reportedly first saw signs of the need for the safe space following the recent U.S. Presidential Election. According to Erickson, most of the members of the group that he now leads supported candidate Donald Trump during the election and were happy to see him win. However, they were filled with dismay upon seeing the administration’s official response to the election, which they believed offered too much emotional support and did not acknowledge that some students at Colgate supported Trump.

“Yeah, I guess the administration thinks we are all a bunch of ‘special snowflakes’ with socialist views who can’t handle not getting their way a single time,” said Erickson. “I’m disgusted that they felt we all needed to be coddled like that.” In response, the anti-coddling students tentatively formed a group chat in which they could talk about their feelings. Erickson described it as a “supportive, accepting atmosphere where we could talk trash about stupid liberals and their safe spaces all we wanted.”

Unfortunately, trouble began when their group chat was invaded by the so-called liberal oppressors of Colgate, and the students’ conversations were exposed for everyone to see. One group member, Lillian Smith ’20, explained that “It was very violating to have what we thought was a private space opened up to the whole school. Even worse, we had to talk to lots of other students with different views after the incident.” After seeing the intense emotional harm inflicted on his fellow group members, Erickson decided that the only logical next step was to create an official safe space where no liberals could interfere with their productive dialogue and feeling-talks. “Ideally, we would have a whole room reserved just for us and filled with ‘Trump 2016’ signs so that our students would truly feel safe shitting on safe spaces as much as they need. We’ll see if the commies who run this school accept our reasonable request.”

At press time, Erickson was seen consoling another student who had just suffered a social media assault from another horrible, righteous, liberal snowflake, which only furthered the urgency of his cause.