HAMILTON, NY—Colgate senior, Mike Fairfield, hurried down Broad Street this past weekend to begin his marketing internship in the Jug Bathroom. “Yeah, so one of the guys in my pledge class helped me land this internship, and I’m pretty psyched about it,” said Fair- field as he met his new boss, John Greenwich ‘17, who proceeded to show him around and teach him the tricks of the trade. “So, over here is our main trading floor,” said Greenwich as he walked about the men’s bathroom, “We specialize in commodities, mostly your basics: Adderall, Molly, and of course cocaine, that’s our big one right there.” Students busily hustled around the bathroom, some negotiating prices, some snorting cocaine off room keys, while some simply used the toilet.
Greenwich explained further while Fairfield looked on in awe, “Don’t bother with speculating on futures yet, we just want you to get out and focus on selling at or above market rate. Just get in there and really show our customers why we’re the best firm to do business with. We had great sales last quarter, so expectations are pretty high for you.” Fairfield nervously but eagerly took to his new position with the firm, and took up a post between the sink and the toilet. At press time, he had initiated his first sale when he asked a drunk freshman, “Yo, need a bump?”
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