Colgate Unveils New Building Plans

February 20, 2017 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—Last Friday Colgate released its plan for groundbreaking new developments at the school, which will begin construction immediately. Prominent among the capital projects will be two new dormitories above Andrews with 10-foot marble statues of Greek gods and large fountains. Each dorm room will have a master bathroom, a fully staffed kitchen, and an individualized thermostat. “Our buildings play a significant role in how students live and learn at Colgate,” said President Brian Casey, “To that end, we hope our students will be inspired by life-size bronze statues of rich and famous alums which will adorn Benton Hall [the new Career Services building].”

Further renovations are scheduled for the Chapel, which will be gutted and redecorated with gold leaf, as well as stained glass windows and ceiling frescoes depicting scenes from the Bible. The picturesque golden steeple will be replaced with golden tiles and a dome reminiscent of the Duomo of Florence.

The Cutten Residential Complex will be replaced by several large slate houses resembling the frat houses on Broad Street (and be named for someone less racist). The football stadium will be outfitted with 24 new bathrooms, to be known as The Jeffrey Herbst Memorial Latrine Complex. “Just think,” said general contractor Rob Stern, “whenever fans come to watch Colgate football, they can be reminded of former President Herbst as they prepare to shit out nachos and chicken.”

The coup de grâce of this new campaign will be the reconstruction of the old railroad line to New York City. “We plan to have a miniature version of Grand Central Terminal constructed on Whitnall Field, and daily trains to and from Penn Station,” said Stern, “For the first time since the early 50s, Colgate students will be able to get to the city in luxury without taking a six-hour bus ride through 200 miles of Bumblefuck, New York via Binghamton.” A separate line to Boston is being studied.

All capital projects are expected to be completed in time for the Bicentennial in 2019. However, plans to decrease tuition prices or add new frats and sororities have been tabled indefinitely.

Filed Under: Administration, Uncategorized

Jug Hosts Desperation Party on February 13th

February 20, 2017 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—After recent party-hosting successes such as Jugmas, Kill-A-Keg, and Karaoke Night, local restaurateur John Jug decided to throw a “Desperation Day” party the night before Valentine’s Day.

Prior to the event, Jug did an exclusive interview with a Rag reporter to let us in on what goes into planning a “lit” night at the Jug. “Basically, I know that everyone at this school is single and lonely, especially the freshmen boys who are my main customers. So I realized I had to take advantage of this opportunity to squeeze even more money out of students,” Jug explained.

After conceiving the idea, he drew up a menu of special drinks and came up with deals to draw everyone in. In order to achieve his goal of “getting everyone to black out as fast as possible,” Jug made sure that each drink featured a minimum of three shots, as well as disgustingly sweet mixers in Valentine’s Day colors. He also decided to open the Jug early to give people the best chance possible of finding a date before Valentine’s Day officially began, and he planned to offer half-off shots to any couple that actually managed to plan something for the next day.

Finally, Jug decided to advertise a matchmaking service run by Michelle Jug. “I basically know every student in this school, so I feel like I can help match up people of similar attractiveness and social standing, since that’s all they really care about anyways. And I’ll be there to comfort any students without matches, since everyone seems to view me like their mom,” said Michelle.

Once the event was planned, Jug began advertising the night on his snap story in between selfies of him and his dogs. Some top snaps included, “Desperation Day Party!!! #Lit #Slay,” “Don’t forget to buy a Jug Dog with your drinks,” “Your feelings can’t get hurt if you’re too blacked out to remember,” and “Come find love, just not in the jug seriously get a room.” According to Jug, his embarrassingly long snap stories do work to success- fully advertise events and deals.

At the party itself, just as predicted, the Jug was filled with freshmen too drunk to walk and Michelle had pulled in over $2,000 in cover fees. Community Memorial Hospital confirmed a sharp spike in visits later that night.

Filed Under: Student Life, Uncategorized

Weekly Horoscope

February 20, 2017 by Leave a Comment

Aquarius: As the moon aligns with the chapel’s Golden Nipple, it becomes clear that you and your significant other will take the next big step in your relationship: you will say “Hey” in public for the first time. With Mercury and the stars on your side, you will discover what your partner looks like in daylight without flashing Jug disco lights. This week’s lunar eclipse sends negative vibes toward your health zone, with strong energy pointing toward library café croissants and Ed Burgers.

Pisces: Cupid calls for an early start to Valentine’s Day. This week’s lunar eclipse promises romance and new developments in your love life. Let go of your inhibitions and allow yourself to be vulnerable so that Venus can work its magic. Find yourself in a frat basement, where the moon’s force joins with the smell of beer and urine, maximizing potential for love. Tap into your musical side and let the melody of “Closer” play for the umpteenth time and carry your heart to new heights.

Aries: This week brings major readjustments in your life. It’s time to reevaluate and redirect. Change your major for the third time. Drink light roast instead of dark roast coffee. Write a paper more than one day before it’s due. And yes, wean yourself off of memes. It’s time, and it’s written in the stars. Don’t let your FitBit competition come between you and your friends; instead, order in Oliveri’s together and forget that ‘Gate Cash is in fact real money.

Taurus: This is a monumental week for you. Take advantage of Monday Jug Night, when the lunar eclipse is in full force. Ignore the strong winds, follow the stars, wear your filthiest fracket, and forge onward to the express line. Pay close attention to your instincts—love is right around the corner, and John Jug’s spirit works favorably with your inner energy. Throughout the week, luck will be on your side. Without doing any of the readings for your classes, you will score big with the notorious nod-and- smile-so-the-professor-doesn’t-call-on- me move.

 

Gemini: Mother Earth is going through some temporary confusion and Jupiter
is in retrograde, so prepare for a broken heart. Splurge on chocolate, wine, Kleenex, and allow for Uranus’s negative energy to run its course. Forget romance and relax. Take this week for yourself— lucky for you, Finding Dory just came out on Netflix.

Cancer: There is a strong focus on new opportunities and possibilities for you. It’s time to listen to the stars and the planets instead of reason and judgment. If you tap into your mood and the galaxy’s energy, a spark of romance could ignite in your life. Stop overthinking and making excuses for why you’re single, and swipe right.

Leo: It looks like the moon is sending energy toward Mars…meaning you and Aries’ energy will finally align. Both you and Aries are aggressive in nature—no matter how long the line, you’re pushing your way to the front when ordering Slices and ranch at 2:00 a.m. You’re both egotistical—you know you wear the Canada Goose jacket better than anyone else. This week look for your Aries partner and take advantage of the lunar eclipse’s astrological match-up.

Virgo: Things are looking up for you. Poor choices made in the past have dissolved into the galaxy. The stars are sending you positive vibes. It’s your turn to be in the spotlight, so take advantage of Karaoke Night at the Jug, get up on those elevated surfaces at Fraturday, and let the moon’s energy shine upon you. Use this momentum to your benefit— seek attention before this opportunity is out of reach.

Libra: You are a kind and gentle spirit that seeks harmony and love. Don’t let the perpetual possibility of slipping on black ice break your inner peace. This week, Venus hears your heartbeat loud and clear. If you’re still single, wear layers and wait on Willow Path until your star-crossed lover arrives—don’t let numb toes or frostbite interfere with the galaxy’s plan. If you are involved in a relationship already, enjoy his or her presence and let the lunar eclipse run its course—no need to look through your partner’s text messages or ask why you haven’t talked about “where this is headed” just yet.

 

Scorpio: This week is all about focusing on your identity. Mercury moves in line with the sun and shifts into your zone of personal reflection. Get in tune with your inner self to better understand who you are and who you’d like to be. On February 14th, will you buy your crush a Gladiator shot and a box of chocolates? Or will you pretend that the holiday does not exist altogether in light of “playing hard to get” or “not looking too available?” The stars have passed fate into your hands.

Sagittarius: Your symbol is the Centaur, half man, half horse—you are both physically and mentally strong. This week, use your better judgment and don’t naively show up to the gym at 4:00 p.m. and expect to get a treadmill. Or, use that peak timing to your advantage and show bae just how hard you can work out. Use your inner strength to brush off the haters—don’t feel insecure about watching the Bachelor on the elliptical.

Capricorn: You are the most determined sign of the Zodiac, and the stars feel your tenacious spirit, especially this week. Valentine’s Day isn’t for wallowing in self-pity, and you know it. Class Council and Venus both read your matchmaking survey and will respond in your favor. With your go-getter attitude and a playlist featuring R. Kelly’s “Bump N’ Grind,” your Valentine’s Day looks promising.

Filed Under: News, Student Life, Uncategorized

Blackmail Ring Rocks Colgate

February 20, 2017 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—Shock rushed through senior Hannah DeSantos’ bones as she opened an unmarked envelope in her mailbox yesterday. Inside were scandalous pictures from a hidden camera showing the young lady at Slices vomiting against the pinball machine and stumbling about the pizzeria. All were timestamped from 1:30 to 1:42 a.m. There was an attached note which read: “Rough night, huh? Deliver $200 in a brown bag to Slices by midnight tonight or we mail these pictures to your employer.”

The young lady began to panic. “What is this? When did this happen? Oh my gosh, I can’t let these get emailed to Goldman [Sachs], they’ll withdraw their hiring offer!”

Similar events were reported elsewhere across campus. “Aw, shit, who did this?” asked frat brother, John Greenwich ’17, as he looked at a picture of himself entering Slices with a scantily clad blonde girl, that was not his girlfriend, on his arm. His eyes widened as he read the list of demands. “Hell no. Where would I even get some of these things? And why am I supposed to deliver them to Slices?”

An interview with the proprietors of Slices yielded no useful information. “Yeah, we see students in here at their absolute worst all the time, but no, we don’t know anything about any threats,” said that one lady you always see there, before adding, “and nobody can prove otherwise.”

An investigation by Campus Safety was unable to uncover any evidence. “Look, I’ve got my best men on this case, but so far we can’t figure out who is behind this blackmail ring, or any apparent motive,” said investigator Chuck “Campo” Campbell. “Whoever they are, they’re smart enough to outwit Colgate Campus Safety.”

At press time, a visibly shaken, crying freshman was seen with a Molotov cocktail in hand slowly walking towards the window of Pizza Hut. Updates to follow.

Filed Under: Student Life, Uncategorized

Student Avoids Human Contact on Valentine’s Day

February 20, 2017 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—February 14th saw a large portion of the Colgate population walking around campus with their heads down and eyes firmly fixed on the slushy, snow-covered ground. Any attempts at greetings and small talk were met with grunts and suspicious peeks as the addressee hurriedly walked away, and physical contact as trivial as a brush on the arm would be met with a full-body flinch.

When asked about the issue, senior Olivia Hale explained, “It happens every year on Valentine’s Day. No one wants to make eye contact with anyone they’ve randomly hooked up with lest those ten minutes they can’t even remember get misconstrued. And since that includes basically everyone, it’s safest to just keep your eyes down and pray for the day to be over already. It’s not a day for celebration; everyone is suffering.” Hale then started a fifteen-minute diatribe of why Valentine’s Day is a myth perpetuated by consumer-baiting industries targeting insecure couples and shaming healthy sexuality.

Meanwhile, the phenomenon has had serious consequences. Snapchat users with cameras trained on various slippery slopes on campus are complaining that they couldn’t catch any slips that day because everyone was watching their steps. Professors report that the situation severely disrupted their class discussions, where students are usually required to make eye contact and nod along to appear interested in the arguments of whoever did the reading that day.

As the dreaded day drew to a close, seven students were found lost in the woods due to their dedication in staring at the ground while walking around in circles on campus.

Filed Under: Student Life, Uncategorized

Recylemania! The Drinking Game

February 20, 2017 by Leave a Comment

The long awaited, hallowed Colgate tradition of the year has finally arrived—Recyclemania! The popularity of this event has skyrocketed in the last few years, as CNN and Fox New’s wide coverage of the event last year has inspired thousands of similar campaigns in colleges across the country. As everyone’s absolute favorite time of the year, we at the Rag thought we would spice up your next eight weeks with some drinking games to get you in the recycling mood. So sit back, relax, and let this drinking game help you forget about Scott Pruitt!

Players: 1+ Materials: Vodka, keg

Instructions:

– Drink the weight of your Frank food waste in beer or vodka—challenge by choice!

– 90s power hour your way through a keg—beer cans are for devil worshipping climate deniers.

– Drain the mix of jungle juice, sweat, and beer off a frat basement for a freshly re- cycled jug of punch.

– Take a shot for every Green Ambassador that harasses you in the dining hall.

– Sabotage other residential halls! Steal their racks, chug the beers, and add those recycled cans to your victory pile.

Squash the competition. Claim your right- ful place on the Recyclemania throne. When you play a game of recycling you win or you die.

And make sure to have fun, kids!!!

*Disclaimer: The Monthly Rag encourages safe behavior when drinking. If not, you have no right to be upset when we laugh at you after reading the Blotter.

Filed Under: Drinking Games & Sex Positions, Uncategorized

Low Attendance at Yiannopoulos’ Lecture Series

February 20, 2017 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—This week the infamous alt-right provocateur and man adored by fedora-wearers everywhere, Milo Yiannopoulos, delivered a lecture series at Colgate University. Yiannopoulos was invited by the last remaining Colgate Republicans. “Our brand has suffered a little this year,” said club leader William F. Cuckly III from the candle-lit room in the maintenance building where the group now meets, “but we wanted to do something to really stick it to those SJW snowflakes.” Campus administrators were concerned with student safety after riots broke out at one of Yiannopoulos speeches at Berkeley and a protester was shot at the University of Washington, but their fears were quickly allayed by the sparse attendance. Apparently, the event happened to coincide with Tuesday. Asked where she was instead of the rally, sophomore Megan Westchester told the Monthly Rag “Uhhh, DU’s Anything But Clothes party. Where even, like, were you?” Disappointed by the attendance, Yiannopoulos, who is British, decided to extend his visit by another day in order to expose the so-called tolerant left. “Wuh wuh, aright aright, I fink dis time I’ll give ‘em a right wut for!”

Overnight, posters of Mr. Yiannopoulos in black-face appeared around campus, advertising the night’s speech, but unfortunately it happened to overlap with Phi Delt’s Hammered Nailed and Screwed party. The next day, Yiannopoulos, who was visibly upset that he had bathed in pig’s blood for nothing, decided to take his show on the road. At midnight, he went to The Old Stone Jug wearing nothing but a burqa and a pair of assless chaps. However, five minutes later bystanders reported seeing him fleeing the building shouting, “Wut right maybe Western Civilizashun’ aint worth savin’ anyway innit’.”

Filed Under: News, Uncategorized

Karen’s Kuts and Kolors Rebrands for No Reason at All

February 20, 2017 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—In an unexpected move, Karen Still, owner of a local downtown hair salon, changed the name of her business without any clear motivation behind the action. The business, formerly known as Karen’s Kuts and Kolors, has now changed its name to Karen’s Cuts and Colors, a move that has confused and startled many members of the Hamilton community. Hannah Simmons, a sophomore at Colgate, reported initial confusion at the change in the business’ name. She said, “I was walking downtown for my monthly appointment to get my hair kolored, and I went to where Karen’s usually is only to find that it wasn’t the KKK anymore. It was some business called the KCC, which really shocked me.”

There is much speculation as to why the titular Karen chose to change the spelling of her business’ name. The official statement from the business claims the spelling was altered “on a whim, for no reason in particular.” However, rumors are circulating that the name change was due to an ongoing lawsuit with the Kardashian family over copyright infringement surrounding the use of the letter K.

When asked if the spelling change was to distance the business from Kim’s Knitting and Krafts of Oneida, NY, Still responded that she had never heard of the group and was concerned that they may have taken her business’ signature KKK nickname without permission.

Karen also wants to clarify with her clientele that the new Karen’s Cuts and Colors does offer the same services that Karen’s Kuts and Kolors did, including both kuts and kolors.

For more information about appointments, services, and potentially racially charged acronyms, call 315-824-2023.

Filed Under: News, Uncategorized

Colgate Administration Launches Alternative Facts Campaign

February 20, 2017 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—With student enrollment dropping due to rising doubts over wasting hundreds of thousands of dollars for four years of binge drinking, the Colgate Administration has begun a new alternative facts campaign to improve Colgate’s image. Inspired by the genius of Kellyanne Conway, the Colgate administration hopes by focusing on what is not not true, they can make Colgate whatever they want it to be with zero effort or legitimate changes.

 

The administration is currently focusing on improving their reputations with students. Survey results were posted on Colgate’s website showing that 64% of students love the administration, and 36% of students think all administrators should be granted sainthood. “The less transparent they are, the more secure I feel,” says a totally real student, “The EGP process is flawless, their multicultural policies are poppin, and honestly I really just feel like they care about what I have to say.” When Rag reporters reached out to ask about how the survey was conducted, they were held in an undisclosed location for three weeks and returned with an ‘Administration is Life’ tattoo on their collarbones.

 

The success of the alternative facts campaign has been so great that it is now expanding into the Admissions Office. “Colgate is ranked number one in diversity across the nation,” stated an admissions representative, “I’m talking diversity ranging from every corner of Westchester county, from Bronxville all the way to Scarsdale.” While this alternative fact has been popularly cited as increasing enrollment numbers from diverse backgrounds, transfer applications have also spiked as students attempt to get away from “this white-washed, Vineyard Vines hell.” Admissions is currently reworking their definition of diversity to include varying shades of hair color, shoe size, and height, to achieve defining 100% of the student body as a multicultural student.

As the administration revels in the campaign’s success thus far, rumors have been going around that they will be adding a new course to the core curriculum next fall to better train students in the art of alternative facts and bullshitting. As it is looking more and more like the facts of academia are growing out of fashion, the administration hopes this move will better prepare students for life after graduation.

Filed Under: Administration, Uncategorized

Career Services to Break Ground on Panic Room

February 20, 2017 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—After receiving an overwhelming amount of bad reviews from students, Colgate’s Center for Career Services has decided to add a soundproof, padded room to the plans for their new building, in which struggling students can cry and scream into the void as they are overcome with despair for their post-grad plans.

While the Center for Career Services has had a great amount of success placing graduates into careers in the financial sector, virtually every other major at the liberal arts university regularly feel that Career Services is giving them the shaft. Now, instead of simply shrugging and suggesting a seemingly pointless résumé reformat, Career Services’ advisors can direct overwhelmed seniors to the “Panic Room.”

The Panic Room will not only be a certified safe space, it will also feature punching bags in which students will be able to insert the faces of various people whom they blame for the current state of the job market. From parents to President Trump to former President Herbst, every student will be able to leave the Panic Room having taken out their pent up aggression on the room’s various amenities.

 

Several current students have been able to test out a beta version of the Panic Room hosted by the Thought Into Action Institute. One satisfied senior raved that the Panic Room “was a better place to unwind than the Jug. I especially loved that I could set fire to rejected cover letters in a secure environment.”

 

However, not all students are satisfied by the addition of the Panic Room. Another senior lamented, “I wish Career Services could just be better at placing humanities majors in relevant career paths.” Across the board, the most suggested improvement for the Panic Room was an open bar.

A representative from Career Services expressed he had high hopes on the Panic Room increasing student satisfaction, “In the rare case that a liberal arts major doesn’t want to work on Wall Street, we are ecstatic to present them with the unique opportunity of shrieking with despair into the void.” When asked if Career Services would consider sending students fewer emails, the representative simply laughed.

Filed Under: Administration, Student Life, Uncategorized