HAMILTON, NY—Shock rushed through senior Hannah DeSantos’ bones as she opened an unmarked envelope in her mailbox yesterday. Inside were scandalous pictures from a hidden camera showing the young lady at Slices vomiting against the pinball machine and stumbling about the pizzeria. All were timestamped from 1:30 to 1:42 a.m. There was an attached note which read: “Rough night, huh? Deliver $200 in a brown bag to Slices by midnight tonight or we mail these pictures to your employer.”
The young lady began to panic. “What is this? When did this happen? Oh my gosh, I can’t let these get emailed to Goldman [Sachs], they’ll withdraw their hiring offer!”
Similar events were reported elsewhere across campus. “Aw, shit, who did this?” asked frat brother, John Greenwich ’17, as he looked at a picture of himself entering Slices with a scantily clad blonde girl, that was not his girlfriend, on his arm. His eyes widened as he read the list of demands. “Hell no. Where would I even get some of these things? And why am I supposed to deliver them to Slices?”
An interview with the proprietors of Slices yielded no useful information. “Yeah, we see students in here at their absolute worst all the time, but no, we don’t know anything about any threats,” said that one lady you always see there, before adding, “and nobody can prove otherwise.”
An investigation by Campus Safety was unable to uncover any evidence. “Look, I’ve got my best men on this case, but so far we can’t figure out who is behind this blackmail ring, or any apparent motive,” said investigator Chuck “Campo” Campbell. “Whoever they are, they’re smart enough to outwit Colgate Campus Safety.”
At press time, a visibly shaken, crying freshman was seen with a Molotov cocktail in hand slowly walking towards the window of Pizza Hut. Updates to follow.
The Monthly Rag 
Recent Comments