Career Services to Break Ground on Panic Room

HAMILTON, NY—After receiving an overwhelming amount of bad reviews from students, Colgate’s Center for Career Services has decided to add a soundproof, padded room to the plans for their new building, in which struggling students can cry and scream into the void as they are overcome with despair for their post-grad plans.

While the Center for Career Services has had a great amount of success placing graduates into careers in the financial sector, virtually every other major at the liberal arts university regularly feel that Career Services is giving them the shaft. Now, instead of simply shrugging and suggesting a seemingly pointless résumé reformat, Career Services’ advisors can direct overwhelmed seniors to the “Panic Room.”

The Panic Room will not only be a certified safe space, it will also feature punching bags in which students will be able to insert the faces of various people whom they blame for the current state of the job market. From parents to President Trump to former President Herbst, every student will be able to leave the Panic Room having taken out their pent up aggression on the room’s various amenities.

Several current students have been able to test out a beta version of the Panic Room hosted by the Thought Into Action Institute. One satisfied senior raved that the Panic Room “was a better place to unwind than the Jug. I especially loved that I could set fire to rejected cover letters in a secure environment.”

However, not all students are satisfied by the addition of the Panic Room. Another senior lamented, “I wish Career Services could just be better at placing humanities majors in relevant career paths.” Across the board, the most suggested improvement for the Panic Room was an open bar.

A representative from Career Services expressed he had high hopes on the Panic Room increasing student satisfaction, “In the rare case that a liberal arts major doesn’t want to work on Wall Street, we are ecstatic to present them with the unique opportunity of shrieking with despair into the void.” When asked if Career Services would consider sending students fewer emails, the representative simply laughed.