Colgate Unveils New Building Plans

HAMILTON, NY—Last Friday Colgate released its plan for groundbreaking new developments at the school, which will begin construction immediately. Prominent among the capital projects will be two new dormitories above Andrews with 10-foot marble statues of Greek gods and large fountains. Each dorm room will have a master bathroom, a fully staffed kitchen, and an individualized thermostat. “Our buildings play a significant role in how students live and learn at Colgate,” said President Brian Casey, “To that end, we hope our students will be inspired by life-size bronze statues of rich and famous alums which will adorn Benton Hall [the new Career Services building].”

Further renovations are scheduled for the Chapel, which will be gutted and redecorated with gold leaf, as well as stained glass windows and ceiling frescoes depicting scenes from the Bible. The picturesque golden steeple will be replaced with golden tiles and a dome reminiscent of the Duomo of Florence.

The Cutten Residential Complex will be replaced by several large slate houses resembling the frat houses on Broad Street (and be named for someone less racist). The football stadium will be outfitted with 24 new bathrooms, to be known as The Jeffrey Herbst Memorial Latrine Complex. “Just think,” said general contractor Rob Stern, “whenever fans come to watch Colgate football, they can be reminded of former President Herbst as they prepare to shit out nachos and chicken.”

The coup de grâce of this new campaign will be the reconstruction of the old railroad line to New York City. “We plan to have a miniature version of Grand Central Terminal constructed on Whitnall Field, and daily trains to and from Penn Station,” said Stern, “For the first time since the early 50s, Colgate students will be able to get to the city in luxury without taking a six-hour bus ride through 200 miles of Bumblefuck, New York via Binghamton.” A separate line to Boston is being studied.

All capital projects are expected to be completed in time for the Bicentennial in 2019. However, plans to decrease tuition prices or add new frats and sororities have been tabled indefinitely.