HAMILTON, NY—After recent party-hosting successes such as Jugmas, Kill-A-Keg, and Karaoke Night, local restaurateur John Jug decided to throw a “Desperation Day” party the night before Valentine’s Day.
Prior to the event, Jug did an exclusive interview with a Rag reporter to let us in on what goes into planning a “lit” night at the Jug. “Basically, I know that everyone at this school is single and lonely, especially the freshmen boys who are my main customers. So I realized I had to take advantage of this opportunity to squeeze even more money out of students,” Jug explained.
After conceiving the idea, he drew up a menu of special drinks and came up with deals to draw everyone in. In order to achieve his goal of “getting everyone to black out as fast as possible,” Jug made sure that each drink featured a minimum of three shots, as well as disgustingly sweet mixers in Valentine’s Day colors. He also decided to open the Jug early to give people the best chance possible of finding a date before Valentine’s Day officially began, and he planned to offer half-off shots to any couple that actually managed to plan something for the next day.
Finally, Jug decided to advertise a matchmaking service run by Michelle Jug. “I basically know every student in this school, so I feel like I can help match up people of similar attractiveness and social standing, since that’s all they really care about anyways. And I’ll be there to comfort any students without matches, since everyone seems to view me like their mom,” said Michelle.
Once the event was planned, Jug began advertising the night on his snap story in between selfies of him and his dogs. Some top snaps included, “Desperation Day Party!!! #Lit #Slay,” “Don’t forget to buy a Jug Dog with your drinks,” “Your feelings can’t get hurt if you’re too blacked out to remember,” and “Come find love, just not in the jug seriously get a room.” According to Jug, his embarrassingly long snap stories do work to success- fully advertise events and deals.
At the party itself, just as predicted, the Jug was filled with freshmen too drunk to walk and Michelle had pulled in over $2,000 in cover fees. Community Memorial Hospital confirmed a sharp spike in visits later that night.
The Monthly Rag 
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