Low Attendance at Yiannopoulos’ Lecture Series

HAMILTON, NY—This week the infamous alt-right provocateur and man adored by fedora-wearers everywhere, Milo Yiannopoulos, delivered a lecture series at Colgate University. Yiannopoulos was invited by the last remaining Colgate Republicans. “Our brand has suffered a little this year,” said club leader William F. Cuckly III from the candle-lit room in the maintenance building where the group now meets, “but we wanted to do something to really stick it to those SJW snowflakes.” Campus administrators were concerned with student safety after riots broke out at one of Yiannopoulos speeches at Berkeley and a protester was shot at the University of Washington, but their fears were quickly allayed by the sparse attendance. Apparently, the event happened to coincide with Tuesday. Asked where she was instead of the rally, sophomore Megan Westchester told the Monthly Rag “Uhhh, DU’s Anything But Clothes party. Where even, like, were you?” Disappointed by the attendance, Yiannopoulos, who is British, decided to extend his visit by another day in order to expose the so-called tolerant left. “Wuh wuh, aright aright, I fink dis time I’ll give ‘em a right wut for!”

Overnight, posters of Mr. Yiannopoulos in black-face appeared around campus, advertising the night’s speech, but unfortunately it happened to overlap with Phi Delt’s Hammered Nailed and Screwed party. The next day, Yiannopoulos, who was visibly upset that he had bathed in pig’s blood for nothing, decided to take his show on the road. At midnight, he went to The Old Stone Jug wearing nothing but a burqa and a pair of assless chaps. However, five minutes later bystanders reported seeing him fleeing the building shouting, “Wut right maybe Western Civilizashun’ aint worth savin’ anyway innit’.”