HAMILTON, NY—February 14th saw a large portion of the Colgate population walking around campus with their heads down and eyes firmly fixed on the slushy, snow-covered ground. Any attempts at greetings and small talk were met with grunts and suspicious peeks as the addressee hurriedly walked away, and physical contact as trivial as a brush on the arm would be met with a full-body flinch.
When asked about the issue, senior Olivia Hale explained, “It happens every year on Valentine’s Day. No one wants to make eye contact with anyone they’ve randomly hooked up with lest those ten minutes they can’t even remember get misconstrued. And since that includes basically everyone, it’s safest to just keep your eyes down and pray for the day to be over already. It’s not a day for celebration; everyone is suffering.” Hale then started a fifteen-minute diatribe of why Valentine’s Day is a myth perpetuated by consumer-baiting industries targeting insecure couples and shaming healthy sexuality.
Meanwhile, the phenomenon has had serious consequences. Snapchat users with cameras trained on various slippery slopes on campus are complaining that they couldn’t catch any slips that day because everyone was watching their steps. Professors report that the situation severely disrupted their class discussions, where students are usually required to make eye contact and nod along to appear interested in the arguments of whoever did the reading that day.
As the dreaded day drew to a close, seven students were found lost in the woods due to their dedication in staring at the ground while walking around in circles on campus.
The Monthly Rag 
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