Weekly Horoscope

Aquarius: As the moon aligns with the chapel’s Golden Nipple, it becomes clear that you and your significant other will take the next big step in your relationship: you will say “Hey” in public for the first time. With Mercury and the stars on your side, you will discover what your partner looks like in daylight without flashing Jug disco lights. This week’s lunar eclipse sends negative vibes toward your health zone, with strong energy pointing toward library café croissants and Ed Burgers.

Pisces: Cupid calls for an early start to Valentine’s Day. This week’s lunar eclipse promises romance and new developments in your love life. Let go of your inhibitions and allow yourself to be vulnerable so that Venus can work its magic. Find yourself in a frat basement, where the moon’s force joins with the smell of beer and urine, maximizing potential for love. Tap into your musical side and let the melody of “Closer” play for the umpteenth time and carry your heart to new heights.

Aries: This week brings major readjustments in your life. It’s time to reevaluate and redirect. Change your major for the third time. Drink light roast instead of dark roast coffee. Write a paper more than one day before it’s due. And yes, wean yourself off of memes. It’s time, and it’s written in the stars. Don’t let your FitBit competition come between you and your friends; instead, order in Oliveri’s together and forget that ‘Gate Cash is in fact real money.

Taurus: This is a monumental week for you. Take advantage of Monday Jug Night, when the lunar eclipse is in full force. Ignore the strong winds, follow the stars, wear your filthiest fracket, and forge onward to the express line. Pay close attention to your instincts—love is right around the corner, and John Jug’s spirit works favorably with your inner energy. Throughout the week, luck will be on your side. Without doing any of the readings for your classes, you will score big with the notorious nod-and- smile-so-the-professor-doesn’t-call-on- me move.

Gemini: Mother Earth is going through some temporary confusion and Jupiter
is in retrograde, so prepare for a broken heart. Splurge on chocolate, wine, Kleenex, and allow for Uranus’s negative energy to run its course. Forget romance and relax. Take this week for yourself— lucky for you, Finding Dory just came out on Netflix.

Cancer: There is a strong focus on new opportunities and possibilities for you. It’s time to listen to the stars and the planets instead of reason and judgment. If you tap into your mood and the galaxy’s energy, a spark of romance could ignite in your life. Stop overthinking and making excuses for why you’re single, and swipe right.

Leo: It looks like the moon is sending energy toward Mars…meaning you and Aries’ energy will finally align. Both you and Aries are aggressive in nature—no matter how long the line, you’re pushing your way to the front when ordering Slices and ranch at 2:00 a.m. You’re both egotistical—you know you wear the Canada Goose jacket better than anyone else. This week look for your Aries partner and take advantage of the lunar eclipse’s astrological match-up.

Virgo: Things are looking up for you. Poor choices made in the past have dissolved into the galaxy. The stars are sending you positive vibes. It’s your turn to be in the spotlight, so take advantage of Karaoke Night at the Jug, get up on those elevated surfaces at Fraturday, and let the moon’s energy shine upon you. Use this momentum to your benefit— seek attention before this opportunity is out of reach.

Libra: You are a kind and gentle spirit that seeks harmony and love. Don’t let the perpetual possibility of slipping on black ice break your inner peace. This week, Venus hears your heartbeat loud and clear. If you’re still single, wear layers and wait on Willow Path until your star-crossed lover arrives—don’t let numb toes or frostbite interfere with the galaxy’s plan. If you are involved in a relationship already, enjoy his or her presence and let the lunar eclipse run its course—no need to look through your partner’s text messages or ask why you haven’t talked about “where this is headed” just yet.

Scorpio: This week is all about focusing on your identity. Mercury moves in line with the sun and shifts into your zone of personal reflection. Get in tune with your inner self to better understand who you are and who you’d like to be. On February 14th, will you buy your crush a Gladiator shot and a box of chocolates? Or will you pretend that the holiday does not exist altogether in light of “playing hard to get” or “not looking too available?” The stars have passed fate into your hands.

Sagittarius: Your symbol is the Centaur, half man, half horse—you are both physically and mentally strong. This week, use your better judgment and don’t naively show up to the gym at 4:00 p.m. and expect to get a treadmill. Or, use that peak timing to your advantage and show bae just how hard you can work out. Use your inner strength to brush off the haters—don’t feel insecure about watching the Bachelor on the elliptical.

Capricorn: You are the most determined sign of the Zodiac, and the stars feel your tenacious spirit, especially this week. Valentine’s Day isn’t for wallowing in self-pity, and you know it. Class Council and Venus both read your matchmaking survey and will respond in your favor. With your go-getter attitude and a playlist featuring R. Kelly’s “Bump N’ Grind,” your Valentine’s Day looks promising.