Mud covers the ground, Spring fills the air, and another Dirty Rush season is upon us. That time of the year when a Fraternity might accidentally only let Freshman guys into the Wednesday golf party they forgot to register, and the administration is somehow oblivious to the fact that half of the First Year class has decided to gather under the Curtis Clock on a Sunday afternoon. This can a stressful time for many young men, but do not fear, the Monthly Rag has assembled a list of tips to make sure you get a bid to the house of your choice.

1. Pick a few houses to focus on early, and show them you are interested

Most guys will try to play it cool and shop around, but the best way to secure a bid is to pick a house or two to focus on and tell every other frat that you “can’t see yourself with them.” One way to demonstrate your interest is to show up to the house unannounced and introduce yourself to the guys. Best to go on one of their brotherhood nights or during a chapter meeting so you can be sure to meet all the guys. Another great way is to go to the Bookstore and buy some of their apparel. Wear it around campus to show them you want them AND tell everyone else that you are taken.

2. Make sure you know when and where events are happening

Wait until late one night when the guys are pretty drunk, ask to give someone your number, and add yourself to the chat under a name like “Little Chico” or “SwagDog69.” This way you can find out about any off campus parties or sorority mixers that are going on and show up. When you do get there, don’t take no for an answer, remember, contacts are everything. Speaking of which…

3. It takes a village, so make sure you have as many contacts at the house as possible

This isn’t just brothers, you can talk to their parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, ex-girlfriends, ex-babysitters, or anyone else who might have come in contact with them. They can lobby the boys on your behalf, and you’ll be swimming in Jello Shots sooner than you can say restraining order.

4. Emphasize how much you have in common with them

Lots of guys in frats used to play football and lacrosse and love boating, golf, and Vineyard Vines. so these are good places to start. However, if you want to make that next level connection emphasize some things you may not have thought of. Tell them how much you love paddling, or how many women find you creepy and aggressive. Say how mush you love to spend time in loud, dark, and uncomfortably moist places like caves, or how you appreciate the beauty of the male form.

5. Be from Connecticut or Westchester County

More than drinking, confidence, or popularity with women, this is the most important skill that you can have. Being the screw-up son of an investment banker from the New York Metro area with alcohol induced rosatia and a prematurely receding hairline is very helpful in many areas of life, but it is particularly useful in rushing a frat. If you have this, you can get into any house of your choosing, even if you didn’t follow the rest of my advice. But if all else fails, you can always just join BDS.

HAMILTON, NY—Discussions about expanding Greek life have been going on for years at Colgate, but the 2016-17 school year has seen students taking greater strides when SGA passed a resolution last fall establishing a dialogue with the administration about this admirable goal. Colgate has been falling miserably behind in party school ranking as Princeton Review’s ranked Colgate #10 out of 380 schools—SGA hopes Greek life expansion will get Colgate back on the right track by ushering in an atmosphere conducive to #1 party-school raging.

Some opposition has surprisingly come from a few Greek members themselves, critiquing the system and their place in it. “Honestly I think everything about Greek life is so problematic,” said Lara Hypolis, “I’m definitely a social justice warrior, and really believe in intersectionality, inclusivity, and equity. I wouldn’t be in my sorority except that I live in the house, so at this point it’s not really my fault.” When Rag reporters questioned Hypolis about her feelings on hypocrisy, Hypolis listed off about a dozen other social justice buzz words before becoming confused and telling our reporters they were white supremacists that needed to check their privilege.

The harshest critiques leveled against Greek life expansion have been focused around the organizations’ exclusivity. To challenge the exclusivity, supporters of the expansion hope that they will create so many fraternities and sororities that every single individual on campus will be unable to resist the overwhelming peer pressure to conform. “We’re thinking about creating fraternities and sororities for faculty and administration members as well,” says SGA senator Cray “CrayCray” Jones Larchmont IV, “Maybe taking their tension out by hazing each other will spare students of faculty’s vindictive grading practices.” Larchmont suggested this at the last meeting with administrators, getting some great feedback after passing a few Natty Lights around with prez Brian. Other expansion ideas include fraternities and sororities for sports teams, political groups, COVE volunteer groups, radio enthusiasts, and deer. The potential of every living creature being shoveled into Greek life on campus may very soon be a reality.