Colgate Gone Downhill in Last Century, All Things Considered

HAMILTON, NY—A report by US News and World Report confirmed today what many people already suspected: all-in-all, Colgate just isn’t the nationally respected and important school it was a century ago. “Look, we all kind of thought this already but let’s face it: Colgate’s been coasting since about WWII,” said Dean Mark Thompson. “I mean seriously, look at any metric—sports, academics—we’re just not the school we used to be.” The report detailed how Colgate’s football team, while formidable within the Patriot League, used to regularly face down the likes of Penn State, Army, and Syracuse and win—feats considered impossible today, never mind the rise of such powerhouses as the SEC schools which would crush us as easily as they would a high school team.

The news was no better academically. The report stated that 100 years ago Colgate was one of the best schools in the country, comparable to the institutions that would form the Ivy League in 1954. However, the school now ties for 12th, and only among other small liberal arts colleges. “The fact that we’re not beating Vassar and Hamilton [in the rankings] is just fucking disgraceful,” said Dean Thompson. “Pretty soon those yokels out at Lehigh and Bucknell will get to thinking they can rival us academically and not just athletically.”

The depression continued on the social front, noting that Colgate was once home to 13 fraternities, but would probably lose (or kick out) the last few in the coming decade. The secret societies were actually secret, and not just puppets for the administration. It was a much cooler time.” Lastly, the report picked apart our dear sweet town of Hamilton, noting it was “nowhere near any cultural, political, or financial hub” and that its small town charm was “negated by a thoroughly depressing climate.” The report assailed Hamilton’s connectivity, stating that trains from Hamilton directly to New York City had been replaced by a torturous six hour bus ride through Binghamton.

Even though Colgate has fallen behind other schools in nearly every category, the report concluded it was still possible for Colgate students to succeed in the world by getting a job on Wall Street and getting filthy rich by fleecing clients on behalf of Goldman-Sachs.