HAMILTON, NY—When called to testify regarding his knowledge of contact between the Trump campaign and Russia, congressional leaders were surprised to discover that Attorney General Jeff Sessions had excused himself from the capital to attend a Civil War battle reenactment. When reporters from The Monthly Rag finally caught up to Sessions, he seemed taken aback that he was supposed to be in Washington for important hearings. “Well, yes suh, I know there’s a lot going on in Congress, but I just had to be he’ in Vuhginia for the Battle of Dinwiddie Courthouse.” Sessions went on to explain: “Was nigh over 150 years ago that the flower of Southern gentry did drive those Yankees back at a humble little town not far off yonder,” he said, gesturing at a hill past a “Make America Great Again” sign.
When pushed for an explanation, Sessions revealed that he knew of the gravity of the hearings addressing foreign meddling in American elections, but “could not bear to see my fellow reenactors enjoy a glorious victory without me. I brought my replica musket and my saber, and I just bought a new Confederate army uniform—and of a cavalry officer no less!”
Upon hearing he might face a subpoena and be compelled to testify if he wasn’t present, Sessions stiffened, “I’ll not have my sacred honor impugned by some codswalloping dandy senator from Massachusetts! Seems I’m headed to Washington after all!” Sessions then motioned to his fellow reenactors and mounted his horse, “I shall return, gentlemen, with all due haste. Prepare a mint julep for my arrival. C’mon, Betsy. Hyah!”
At press time, after several hours Sessions and his horse only made it 20 miles before stopping at a McDonald’s in Petersburg. He was still wearing the uniform.
The Monthly Rag 
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