Colgate Mounts Strategy to Ignore Campus Sexual Assaults

April 24, 2017 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—While the pressure has become almost too intense for the Colgate administration to continue to ignore the massive sexual assault problem plaguing this campus, they have continued to innovate against all odds. When news of the assaults came out a few weeks ago, President Casey sent a heartwarming campus-wide email describing Colgate’s zero tolerance policy with profound messages like ‘violence is violence,’ and ‘I don’t want to comment on this.’ The current strategy has been to focus entirely on discussion. So far, the administration has successfully planned seventy-eight meeting to discuss sexual assault, and is currently drafting two dozen new emails, each the length of a small novella. The administration hopes that with so much discussion, students will become so burned out and emotionally traumatized that most activists will back down, or if the administration is extra lucky, may even take a leave of absence for the semester. “We’re hoping that by saying we’re actively working against sexual assault, people will forget that we actually have done and will do nothing of substance,” an administrator told Rag reporters. “Have you heard about our new cruiser route? What about SPW? Would you stop asking me questions if I gave you a dozen Slices tokens?” Unfortunately, our reporters did cave to this last offer, and the administration has refused to give any further comment since.

While statistics show that binge-drinking, hazing, and hyper-masculinity greatly increase the likelihood of rape on college campuses, there is a lot of questioning as to who we can possibly attribute the prevalence of these toxic behaviors at Colgate to. Rag reporters discussed these statistics in an interview with Beta Theta Pi pledge master Chad Bartholomew-Winston Papolopolis VII, who responded saying, “Totes see your point there, but def can’t imagine it being even remotely related to Greek life. Greek life is all about philanthropy, brotherhood, and like some other supes meaningful stuff.” Papolopolis told us how just a few weeks ago him and his Beta fraternity brothers joined a march on campus, called Give Back the Night to demand the administration give nightlife back to the students and “stop campo from assaulting our rights to rage.”

These recent events have had students asking themselves the difficult question of what they are willing to give up to support survivors of sexual assault and actively combat its prevalence on this campus. The answer? “For sure willing to give up a little, like definitely will send a super public letter about how much we care about sexual assault issues, but absolutely not going to stop getting #lit at fraturday, mixers and formals are obvi a must, and honestly SPW is coming up and do you seriously expect us not to dive into a jello pool and DKE til dawn?”

Filed Under: Administration, Student Life, Uncategorized

How to Celebrate Earth Day Like a True Frat Star

April 24, 2017 by Leave a Comment

Earth Day takes place every year on April 22nd, and it is generally a day of increased recycling, posting #tbt pictures of your last vacation somewhere with nice views, and figuring out how to make your life more sustainable. This year, however, Earth Day falls on the Saturday of SPW, so it needs to be celebrated in an appropriate manner. Here are five tips on how to go green the frat way.

1. Buy kegs instead of racks of Keystone for your “fuckin’ lit” SPW party

Did you know that Americans produce nearly 220 million tons of waste every year, and a little more than half of that ends up in landfills? All those crushed cans of Keystone and Genny Light covering the floor of your house are going to end up contributing to the problem of overflowing landfills in our country. Instead, get a few kegs and some reusable cups—not only are kegs more fun than cans, they can be refilled and reused, which is another great task that you can force your pledges to do. If you’re worried about getting in trouble with campo, don’t be; they’ll forget all about the fact that Jenny “that-freshman-that-Chris-hooked-up-with” Smith broke her wrist after trying to do a keg stand when you tell them that it was for the Earth.

2. Replace both your summer and winter cars with something more eco-friendly

This one will help out the environment all year, not just on Earth Day, and as an added bonus, it’ll show all your brothers that you have a lot of money to burn. For your winter car, we recommend a Tesla Model X. This car combines the power of a Jeep Wrangler with the elegance of a Porsche Cayenne, and doors reminiscent of the DeLorean in Back to the Future, all without emitting any carbon into the atmosphere. For your summer sports car, there are few all-electric options, but McLaren, Ferrari, and BMW all offer nice hybrids at different price points. If your budget is limited, get on the waiting list for the Tesla Model 3—at only $35k, it’s practically a steal.

3. Make sure your drugs are suitable for the occasion

Start the day off by smoking some green. Ideally, get organic artisanal small-batch weed from a west coast dispensary to make sure that your environmental impact is minimized—but any weed will help you connect with those hippie activists out in California. This is a far better way to show your support for the cause than, say, voting for someone who won’t appoint a climate-change denier as head of the EPA. When you need to get going for your full day of partying, do a few lines of sustainably-sourced cocaine. Importing it directly from a small, family-run farm in Colombia might cost a little extra, but we know you can afford it.

4. Don’t use condoms

This is probably an eco-friendly habit that you’ve already been following, but if not, there’s no time like the present to begin. If your girl doesn’t believe your excuses that you “definitely got tested recently” and will “pull out at the last second,” explain to her that if you use a condom you will literally be destroying the earth. Perhaps mention that a cute sea turtle or baby dolphin might accidentally eat it when it ends up adrift in the ocean and die a horrible death. She doesn’t want that, does she?

5. Create holes in the wall to replace your AC

Summer in Hamilton can get hot and humid, so naturally many people have AC to help cool down. However, this wastes huge amounts of power that was generated by burning fossil fuels and releasing yet more carbon dioxide into the atmosphere. This damage to the environment can be avoided by turning off your AC and creating some natural ventilation options instead. The next time you accidentally do too much coke, are angry at your roommate, get super excited about how lit the party is, or want to prove exactly how manly you are, just punch a few holes in your bedroom wall and let the breeze in. Problem solved—Earth saved.

Filed Under: News, Student Life, Uncategorized

Link Staff to Introduce New Orientation Game

April 24, 2017 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY— Link Staff has planned to introduce a fresh, new ice breaker this fall with the incoming freshman class of 2021. After enough people finally said, “Why the fuck did anyone ever think ‘Screaming Toes’ was a good idea?” they decided to cut the bullshit. The question that best helps one get to know a Colgate student on a meaningful level is the following: What Ivy League did you apply early decision to?

After going around the dreadful circle stating name, where home is, social security number, and crushed Ivy League dream, the students will sort themselves by Ivy. It will then be extremely easy to assess the personality of each individual: Yale, Princeton, and Harvard, (extremely disappointed in where life has taken them thus far) or the humbler Dartmouth, Cornell, and Brown (only mildly disappointed by life). These students will then bond over where they should have been accepted, with their identical extracurriculars, service trips to El Salvador, and Daddy’s money.

But if these students are looking for the Ivy League experience, they are not to fear. Colgate is viewed as a respectable institution from Westchester to Westport. And if you are from anywhere else and nobody knows about Colgate, you can make it sound more prestigious than it really is by using phrases like “selective liberal arts college” and “Hidden Ivy.” Academic prestige aside, there is more than enough elitist snobbery to go around, truly contributing to the Ivy League-esque atmosphere on campus.

Despite the stark personality differences depending upon the Ivy, at least the Class of 2021 will have one thing in common: being rejects. This will create more solidarity than a game of ‘Screaming Toes’ ever could.

Filed Under: Student Life, Uncategorized

A Capella Banned on Campus

April 24, 2017 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—On April 1st, President Brian Casey announced that, effective immediately, a capella would be banned from Colgate University’s campus. All students received an email that said “Outside of showers, no singing will be permitted without accompanying instruments, and any student caught doing so will be brought before a disciplinary committee.” President Casey intended to send out an email later that day revealing the previous announcement to be an April Fools joke, but he reconsidered when he saw students reaction. Immediately, hundreds of them streamed out of class and began to celebrate and cheer in delight. Wandering the quad, dazed and with tears streaming from her eyes, sophomore Viola Melody said “It’s… It’s over. It’s over! I thought I was the only one, I thought everyone was supposed to like a capella and I would have to live a lie for the rest of my life, but it’s over!” Freshman Harold St. James, from Britain, told the Rag “When I first got here I was shocked. I sat down for orientation and I thought Colgate had a strict policy against hazing, but then those noises started! It took me days to realize you Yanks listened to that awful stuff on purpose.”

Musical Studies professor Clarence Oboe explained that that a capella is, “Biologically impossible for humans to enjoy. It is distinguished from gospel, choral, and other forms of non instrumental music by being, in technical terms, Really Bad. It is literally just taking popular songs and making them infinitely worse.” However, recent psychological studies have suggested that the U.S. population is suffering under a mass delusion, similar to what can happen to cultists or kidnapping victims. A capella seems to have originated in the 15th Century. It was developed by the Knights Templar, and led Philip the Fifth of France to order them burned at the stake. It was rediscovered by a secret division of the SS, but was unable to be deployed before the fall of Berlin. It was then transported to the Soviet Union, but KGB analysts determined that it was too inhumane to be unleashed on a civilian population. Following the collapse of the USSR, the technology was thought lost, until it was introduced into the U.S. population through the television show Glee and the movie Pitch Perfect, both now thought to have been developed by North Korean intelligence.

Colgate has had to speed up construction of its new residence halls to accommodate the skyrocketing admissions yield number, as over 95% of students admitted to the class of 2021 have decided to accept due to the a capella ban. Colgate’s admission numbers for next year are expected to become more selective than Harvard or Stanford, and other universities are considering implementing similar policies. Additionally, Brian Casey has become a nationwide hero, and top Democratic officials have reportedly met with him and are considering tapping him to run against Donald Trump in 2020.

Filed Under: Administration, Student Life, Uncategorized

Bullshit Corner: New Cruiser Schedule Disappoints

April 24, 2017 by Leave a Comment

Within the past month, drops in donation revenue has caused Colgate to reroute the already perfectly functioning, well mapped cruiser route. Why, you ask? Despite the seemingly bulletproof method of spending money to get money, hundreds dollars in ice cream, RIG dinners, and free bagels have not helped the President’s Club efforts to raise money for the university. After hours of meetings, the administration has crafted a brilliant plan to reroute the cruiser schedule to drum up more donations, pushing the topic of preventing sexual assault on campus to, yes, again, next week!

In an attempt to garner donations from soon-to-be wealthy wall street workers funneled through Colgate, every single goddamn cruiser now make its very first stop at Persson, answering the question, “what else can we do to make the lives of ECON majors on this campus easier?” Answer: make it actually impossible for ECON students to have to walk any distance to their classes ever!

It appears that Chartwell’s has their hand in the pot as well, with all cruisers stopping at Frank dining hall in an attempt to force upperclassmen to buy an overpriced, unpopular, and overwhelmingly average meal plan. Physics majors, computer programmers, and GIS whizzes bring out scrap paper on the back of the bus, using their combined skills to determine if it is physically impossible for a cruiser to stop at both Frank and Gate house in time for them to claim their favorite seats.

As science majors juggling two labs, four classes and pre-med requirements run to the opposite side of campus to make it to class on time, they will surely pass underclassman sporting bagels and coffees to-go, wondering, “Would my life be easier if I had a meal plan?” “No,” they’ll say to themselves, asthma inhalers in hand as they gallop to Olin, “my life would be easier if there was a goddamn cruiser going to Gate house.”

Filed Under: Opinions & Editorials, Uncategorized

Community Rallies Around Ailing Administrator

April 24, 2017 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—Earlier this month, a sad story was slightly brightened by the support and warmth of the Colgate community. An outgoing administrator, who would like to remain anonymous, was finally able to receive a much needed surgery to remove his head from where it had become lodged in his rectum. It is unclear how long the condition persisted before he sought medical attention, but it is clear that he was suffering from the affliction during his tenure. He nevertheless dutifully executed his charge of crushing students’ wishes and ruining faculty’s lives. The administrator says he was buoyed by the supportive words of the community members, even at SGA meetings where those who were petitioning for action implored him to get his head removed from his ass.

“It really showed me how much people cared,” recalled the administrator. “They could tell something was clearly wrong, and it obviously affected them enough that they finally had to say something. I was touched particularly by the concern of the Student Lecture Forum even after we rejected the entirety of their budget. By the end of our meeting, they were practically yelling at me to get this surgery.”

Though he believes it was his duty to continue to serve his community during this difficult time, it is clear that some out there believed it was affecting his ability to perform at his top function. Many of his colleagues agree that the real shame is that it took so long for him to realize how deep the problem was. Unfortunately, the success of the surgery also means that it will be harder for him to take his next step, which was going to be working in the White House come August. Without his head up his own ass, it is unclear if the administrator will still be a good fit.

Filed Under: Administration, Uncategorized

Colgate’s Rug too Full to Keep Sweeping Issues Under

April 24, 2017 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—Colgate’s Board of Trustees is running into difficulty sweeping their latest problems under the rug. Pending lawsuits, allegations of racial discrimination, suspected violations from Campus Safety, and a broken grievance system have taken too much room for the Board to cover up much else.

In 2001, students began protesting having a building on campus named for a George Barton Cutten, a eugenicist who believed America’s melting pot was dangerous to the supremacy of the white race. Initially, the Board assembled a panel of professors and students to look into the matter. This panel considered adding Adam Clayton Powell Jr.’s name to the building to juxtapose a successful black Colgate alum with the white supremacist that once ruled over Colgate. However, in 2001, the University made room under the rug by changing the team mascot from the Red Raider, a racist depiction of an American Indian, to the Raider, a decidedly less racist depiction of a settler with some type of vitamin deficiency. With pride swelling from taking this commendably progressive step, there was now room under the rug to hide Cutten Hall for another few decades.

After only fifteen years, several sporadic protests, and the occupation of the Admissions building, the administration decided that it was time to get out ahead of this and resolved to vote to remove Cutten’s name from the most swastika-shaped building on campus. It only took them another year and another few scandals to brag about this glorious step in an email to the community. This may have cleared up some room for now, but at the rate that people are starting to notice the mountain under the cover, the Board either needs to start doing some cleaning, or buy a bigger rug.

Filed Under: Administration, Uncategorized

Graduation Station Drinking Game

April 24, 2017 by Leave a Comment

For most of campus, the end of the year is a time to celebrate the freedom from the academic abyss—but for you seniors, it’s time for you to face the dreaded future. As you laugh-cry into your can of beer, question what your life will be like, and maybe start a few fights about torchlight, we at the Rag have provided you with the coping tools to make it through this long ass weekend.

Players: 10+

Materials: Handle of Nikolai, case of Keystone

Instructions:

Family Fun Hole: Welcome your parents, siblings, aunts and uncles, awkward cousins, tired grandparents, and distant family relations that you can’t remember how you’re related to into your humble dorm abode. Make this seem like a casual gathering, but for every awkward childhood story your parents bring up, take a shot without a chaser. Feel the burn of shame.

Farewell to the Homies Hole: It’s your last weekend with all your friends in the same place. Probably ever. But don’t let that get you down—instead have your friend lift you up, into a keg stand or onto a raised platform.

Campus Escapades Hole: It’s been four years—you may have made a couple of enemies at this point. So grab a couple of dozen eggs and paint the town in yolk. Push a campo car into Taylor lake, break into your professor’s office—the campus is your oyster. For every successful prank you pull, shotgun a beer.

If you’re blackout by the end of this game—then you don’t deserve to call yourself a Colgate graduate.

Filed Under: Drinking Games & Sex Positions, Uncategorized

Colgate Builds Ivory Tower for Professor

April 24, 2017 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY— In addition to the ongoing construction of residential halls and a new Career Services building, Colgate announced that it would be constructing a literal ivory tower for Professor Peter Balakian. “Really, it was a last-minute addition to our construction plans, but we were happy to build something special for the winner of the 2016 Pulitzer Prize for Poetry,” said institutional advancement chair Kevin Chong ’79, “We are always happy to accommodate requests from The Laureate.”

As to the tower, “It will be thirty feet tall and made of pure ivory siding, with a rich mahogany panel interior and a copper roof,” said chief architect Moshe Brickman. “We’ve spared no expense—no, seriously, do you know what we had to do to get all that ivory?”

Excitement and speculation abounded on campus when students learned that Colgate’s own winner of the 1986 Daniel Varujan Prize of the New England Poetry Club would be getting a new tower. “Who knows what lofty works The Laureate will be able to produce once he is properly empowered by the university? What deep thoughts will he think as he gazes at the stars?” asked Sara Weiss ’19.

Blueprints and receipts obtained by Rag reporters also showed that the tower will have a surround-sound stereo system, as well as a floor-to- ceiling bookcase containing all of Balakian’s published works. Duplicates of books would be included to fill the shelves so that the 2005 winner of the Raphael Lemkin Prize might give some books away to those worthy. By special request, The Laureate will also receive an ebony table and a tea set brought all the way from the oldest monastery in Tibet to facilitate small, enlightening conversations about literature. There will also be a seven-foot- tall window with no ledge outside should any student disturb The Laureate during his office hours and draw his ire.

Filed Under: Administration, Uncategorized

Student Celebrates Easter by Participating in Resurrection

April 24, 2017 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY— In a moving display of religious devotion, junior Jeremy Walker participated in the Christian holiday of Easter by reenacting the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Walker began his reenactment after his Friday 10:20 class by participating in a Century Challenge with his roommates. Walker recalled to a Rag reporter that he first became “blackout” around 12:45 on Friday afternoon. He followed this commencement with 48 consecutive hours of binge drinking and napping, until he was woken up on Sunday morning with a text from his mother reading, “Where r u? we r here! :-)”

Walker recalled an almost electric shock running through his body, immediately waking him from his drunken, lifeless stupor. He frantically pulled on his most pastel-shaded outfit and hustled to hide his liquor bottles and alcohol paraphenalia before his mother, father, and younger sister opened his door to see him cradling an armful of red Solo cups and empty bags of Ruffles with a wide-eyed look on his face. Walker reported his mother’s immediate shock and concern over the state of his room and his disheveled appearance. He was confronted with questions like, “Did you forget that we have Mass in a half hour?”, “Why does this sweater smell like the Devil’s lettuce?”, and “Goddammit, Jeremy, why do you insist on tearing this family apart?”

Walker reportedly paused for a while before finally coming up with an answer. He responded, “Uh, I was just . . . uh, doing it for Jesus, you know? Like drinking his blood and eating his body, like at Slices, and stuff. So I blacked out for like three days before Easter because that’s what Jesus did, right? I was just trying to pay tribute to his, uh, memory.” Walker paused for a moment before fearfully glancing up to see his parents’ reactions. After a slight pause of consideration, Jeremy’s mother, Lisa Walker, broke down into joyful tears. She cried out in delight, “Thank God! I thought I had raised an alcoholic!” before wrapping the whole family in for a group hug. Jeremy’s parents, John and Lisa Walker, were reportedly thrilled with their son’s affirmation and celebration of his faith, saying, “We were so afraid that he would lose touch with his faith in college, but it’s really encouraging to see how his relationship with God has only grown stronger.”

The family proceeded to Easter Mass at the local church, where Walker threw up twice in the bathroom. After the ceremony, the Walkers went for brunch at the Colgate Inn, after which they departed for home in Albany. When asked if he had any final reflections about his spiritual reenactment, Walker said, “Honestly, the fact that I made it through this visit is the real miracle.”

Filed Under: Student Life, Uncategorized
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