Within the past month, drops in donation revenue has caused Colgate to reroute the already perfectly functioning, well mapped cruiser route. Why, you ask? Despite the seemingly bulletproof method of spending money to get money, hundreds dollars in ice cream, RIG dinners, and free bagels have not helped the President’s Club efforts to raise money for the university. After hours of meetings, the administration has crafted a brilliant plan to reroute the cruiser schedule to drum up more donations, pushing the topic of preventing sexual assault on campus to, yes, again, next week!
In an attempt to garner donations from soon-to-be wealthy wall street workers funneled through Colgate, every single goddamn cruiser now make its very first stop at Persson, answering the question, “what else can we do to make the lives of ECON majors on this campus easier?” Answer: make it actually impossible for ECON students to have to walk any distance to their classes ever!
It appears that Chartwell’s has their hand in the pot as well, with all cruisers stopping at Frank dining hall in an attempt to force upperclassmen to buy an overpriced, unpopular, and overwhelmingly average meal plan. Physics majors, computer programmers, and GIS whizzes bring out scrap paper on the back of the bus, using their combined skills to determine if it is physically impossible for a cruiser to stop at both Frank and Gate house in time for them to claim their favorite seats.
As science majors juggling two labs, four classes and pre-med requirements run to the opposite side of campus to make it to class on time, they will surely pass underclassman sporting bagels and coffees to-go, wondering, “Would my life be easier if I had a meal plan?” “No,” they’ll say to themselves, asthma inhalers in hand as they gallop to Olin, “my life would be easier if there was a goddamn cruiser going to Gate house.”
The Monthly Rag 
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