HAMILTON, NY— In addition to the ongoing construction of residential halls and a new Career Services building, Colgate announced that it would be constructing a literal ivory tower for Professor Peter Balakian. “Really, it was a last-minute addition to our construction plans, but we were happy to build something special for the winner of the 2016 Pulitzer Prize for Poetry,” said institutional advancement chair Kevin Chong ’79, “We are always happy to accommodate requests from The Laureate.”
As to the tower, “It will be thirty feet tall and made of pure ivory siding, with a rich mahogany panel interior and a copper roof,” said chief architect Moshe Brickman. “We’ve spared no expense—no, seriously, do you know what we had to do to get all that ivory?”
Excitement and speculation abounded on campus when students learned that Colgate’s own winner of the 1986 Daniel Varujan Prize of the New England Poetry Club would be getting a new tower. “Who knows what lofty works The Laureate will be able to produce once he is properly empowered by the university? What deep thoughts will he think as he gazes at the stars?” asked Sara Weiss ’19.
Blueprints and receipts obtained by Rag reporters also showed that the tower will have a surround-sound stereo system, as well as a floor-to- ceiling bookcase containing all of Balakian’s published works. Duplicates of books would be included to fill the shelves so that the 2005 winner of the Raphael Lemkin Prize might give some books away to those worthy. By special request, The Laureate will also receive an ebony table and a tea set brought all the way from the oldest monastery in Tibet to facilitate small, enlightening conversations about literature. There will also be a seven-foot- tall window with no ledge outside should any student disturb The Laureate during his office hours and draw his ire.
The Monthly Rag 
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