Colgate Mounts Strategy to Ignore Campus Sexual Assaults

HAMILTON, NY—While the pressure has become almost too intense for the Colgate administration to continue to ignore the massive sexual assault problem plaguing this campus, they have continued to innovate against all odds. When news of the assaults came out a few weeks ago, President Casey sent a heartwarming campus-wide email describing Colgate’s zero tolerance policy with profound messages like ‘violence is violence,’ and ‘I don’t want to comment on this.’ The current strategy has been to focus entirely on discussion. So far, the administration has successfully planned seventy-eight meeting to discuss sexual assault, and is currently drafting two dozen new emails, each the length of a small novella. The administration hopes that with so much discussion, students will become so burned out and emotionally traumatized that most activists will back down, or if the administration is extra lucky, may even take a leave of absence for the semester. “We’re hoping that by saying we’re actively working against sexual assault, people will forget that we actually have done and will do nothing of substance,” an administrator told Rag reporters. “Have you heard about our new cruiser route? What about SPW? Would you stop asking me questions if I gave you a dozen Slices tokens?” Unfortunately, our reporters did cave to this last offer, and the administration has refused to give any further comment since.

While statistics show that binge-drinking, hazing, and hyper-masculinity greatly increase the likelihood of rape on college campuses, there is a lot of questioning as to who we can possibly attribute the prevalence of these toxic behaviors at Colgate to. Rag reporters discussed these statistics in an interview with Beta Theta Pi pledge master Chad Bartholomew-Winston Papolopolis VII, who responded saying, “Totes see your point there, but def can’t imagine it being even remotely related to Greek life. Greek life is all about philanthropy, brotherhood, and like some other supes meaningful stuff.” Papolopolis told us how just a few weeks ago him and his Beta fraternity brothers joined a march on campus, called Give Back the Night to demand the administration give nightlife back to the students and “stop campo from assaulting our rights to rage.”

These recent events have had students asking themselves the difficult question of what they are willing to give up to support survivors of sexual assault and actively combat its prevalence on this campus. The answer? “For sure willing to give up a little, like definitely will send a super public letter about how much we care about sexual assault issues, but absolutely not going to stop getting #lit at fraturday, mixers and formals are obvi a must, and honestly SPW is coming up and do you seriously expect us not to dive into a jello pool and DKE til dawn?”