HAMILTON, NY—Earlier this month, a sad story was slightly brightened by the support and warmth of the Colgate community. An outgoing administrator, who would like to remain anonymous, was finally able to receive a much needed surgery to remove his head from where it had become lodged in his rectum. It is unclear how long the condition persisted before he sought medical attention, but it is clear that he was suffering from the affliction during his tenure. He nevertheless dutifully executed his charge of crushing students’ wishes and ruining faculty’s lives. The administrator says he was buoyed by the supportive words of the community members, even at SGA meetings where those who were petitioning for action implored him to get his head removed from his ass.
“It really showed me how much people cared,” recalled the administrator. “They could tell something was clearly wrong, and it obviously affected them enough that they finally had to say something. I was touched particularly by the concern of the Student Lecture Forum even after we rejected the entirety of their budget. By the end of our meeting, they were practically yelling at me to get this surgery.”
Though he believes it was his duty to continue to serve his community during this difficult time, it is clear that some out there believed it was affecting his ability to perform at his top function. Many of his colleagues agree that the real shame is that it took so long for him to realize how deep the problem was. Unfortunately, the success of the surgery also means that it will be harder for him to take his next step, which was going to be working in the White House come August. Without his head up his own ass, it is unclear if the administrator will still be a good fit.
The Monthly Rag 
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