Earth Day takes place every year on April 22nd, and it is generally a day of increased recycling, posting #tbt pictures of your last vacation somewhere with nice views, and figuring out how to make your life more sustainable. This year, however, Earth Day falls on the Saturday of SPW, so it needs to be celebrated in an appropriate manner. Here are five tips on how to go green the frat way.
1. Buy kegs instead of racks of Keystone for your “fuckin’ lit” SPW party
Did you know that Americans produce nearly 220 million tons of waste every year, and a little more than half of that ends up in landfills? All those crushed cans of Keystone and Genny Light covering the floor of your house are going to end up contributing to the problem of overflowing landfills in our country. Instead, get a few kegs and some reusable cups—not only are kegs more fun than cans, they can be refilled and reused, which is another great task that you can force your pledges to do. If you’re worried about getting in trouble with campo, don’t be; they’ll forget all about the fact that Jenny “that-freshman-that-Chris-hooked-up-with” Smith broke her wrist after trying to do a keg stand when you tell them that it was for the Earth.
2. Replace both your summer and winter cars with something more eco-friendly
This one will help out the environment all year, not just on Earth Day, and as an added bonus, it’ll show all your brothers that you have a lot of money to burn. For your winter car, we recommend a Tesla Model X. This car combines the power of a Jeep Wrangler with the elegance of a Porsche Cayenne, and doors reminiscent of the DeLorean in Back to the Future, all without emitting any carbon into the atmosphere. For your summer sports car, there are few all-electric options, but McLaren, Ferrari, and BMW all offer nice hybrids at different price points. If your budget is limited, get on the waiting list for the Tesla Model 3—at only $35k, it’s practically a steal.
3. Make sure your drugs are suitable for the occasion
Start the day off by smoking some green. Ideally, get organic artisanal small-batch weed from a west coast dispensary to make sure that your environmental impact is minimized—but any weed will help you connect with those hippie activists out in California. This is a far better way to show your support for the cause than, say, voting for someone who won’t appoint a climate-change denier as head of the EPA. When you need to get going for your full day of partying, do a few lines of sustainably-sourced cocaine. Importing it directly from a small, family-run farm in Colombia might cost a little extra, but we know you can afford it.
4. Don’t use condoms
This is probably an eco-friendly habit that you’ve already been following, but if not, there’s no time like the present to begin. If your girl doesn’t believe your excuses that you “definitely got tested recently” and will “pull out at the last second,” explain to her that if you use a condom you will literally be destroying the earth. Perhaps mention that a cute sea turtle or baby dolphin might accidentally eat it when it ends up adrift in the ocean and die a horrible death. She doesn’t want that, does she?
5. Create holes in the wall to replace your AC
Summer in Hamilton can get hot and humid, so naturally many people have AC to help cool down. However, this wastes huge amounts of power that was generated by burning fossil fuels and releasing yet more carbon dioxide into the atmosphere. This damage to the environment can be avoided by turning off your AC and creating some natural ventilation options instead. The next time you accidentally do too much coke, are angry at your roommate, get super excited about how lit the party is, or want to prove exactly how manly you are, just punch a few holes in your bedroom wall and let the breeze in. Problem solved—Earth saved.
The Monthly Rag 
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