HAMILTON, NY—We may never know exactly what set it off— whether it was the 666th awkward photo of John Jug on Snapchat, the 66666666666th shot crushed in the basement of Tach, or maybe just 6666th lost jacket at The Jug—but here in the humble countryside of Madison County, Colgate’s collective debauchery proved to be enough to open a portal to Hell on SPW.
Demons poured forth from the hole that opened on Whitnall Field, belching sulfur and brimstone and offering a glimpse at the realm of the Damned. As the unholy creatures ravaged the village, they soon found that Colgate was tougher than expected. One was stopped at the doors of DU, and asked the eternal question, “Who do you know here?” In the words of one bro, John Greenwich said, “Yeah, so this hairy, winged mofo with a lizard tongue rolls up and tries to crash our party and I’m like helllll no, no way is he screwing up our ratio.'” Greenwich reportedly told the eldritch creature to leave, but finally settled the matter by beating it in an arm-wrestling competition.
Attempts to carry off students from downtown to the place Jesus once called “fiery Gehenna” were met with similar failure. Lines to get into the Jug, the Glass, and the Bacon were interminably long, and the demons were highly reluctant to set foot in the streets filled with smashed bottles, vomit, discarded slices, and vomited-up slices. The ground then shook as Lucifer himself rose from The Pit and surveyed the village, apparently recoiling at the sight of Beta and ordering his hellspawn “to have no contact or association with such a disreputable institution.” The fallen angel formerly beloved by God looked about in fear and disgust decrying Colgate as “Nothing like George Cutten said,” and “an odd mix of the righteous and those too awful even for us.”
Eventually, a joint effort by Colgate Jewish Union, the Muslim Student Association, and Colgate Christian Fellowship were able to seal the portal amidst chanting in Hebrew, Arabic, and Latin. Festivities resumed shortly after, and Phi Delt announced that their annual foam party would proceed as planned.
The Monthly Rag 
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