HAMILTON, NY— In a moving display of religious devotion, junior Jeremy Walker participated in the Christian holiday of Easter by reenacting the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Walker began his reenactment after his Friday 10:20 class by participating in a Century Challenge with his roommates. Walker recalled to a Rag reporter that he first became “blackout” around 12:45 on Friday afternoon. He followed this commencement with 48 consecutive hours of binge drinking and napping, until he was woken up on Sunday morning with a text from his mother reading, “Where r u? we r here! :-)”
Walker recalled an almost electric shock running through his body, immediately waking him from his drunken, lifeless stupor. He frantically pulled on his most pastel-shaded outfit and hustled to hide his liquor bottles and alcohol paraphenalia before his mother, father, and younger sister opened his door to see him cradling an armful of red Solo cups and empty bags of Ruffles with a wide-eyed look on his face. Walker reported his mother’s immediate shock and concern over the state of his room and his disheveled appearance. He was confronted with questions like, “Did you forget that we have Mass in a half hour?”, “Why does this sweater smell like the Devil’s lettuce?”, and “Goddammit, Jeremy, why do you insist on tearing this family apart?”
Walker reportedly paused for a while before finally coming up with an answer. He responded, “Uh, I was just . . . uh, doing it for Jesus, you know? Like drinking his blood and eating his body, like at Slices, and stuff. So I blacked out for like three days before Easter because that’s what Jesus did, right? I was just trying to pay tribute to his, uh, memory.” Walker paused for a moment before fearfully glancing up to see his parents’ reactions. After a slight pause of consideration, Jeremy’s mother, Lisa Walker, broke down into joyful tears. She cried out in delight, “Thank God! I thought I had raised an alcoholic!” before wrapping the whole family in for a group hug. Jeremy’s parents, John and Lisa Walker, were reportedly thrilled with their son’s affirmation and celebration of his faith, saying, “We were so afraid that he would lose touch with his faith in college, but it’s really encouraging to see how his relationship with God has only grown stronger.”
The family proceeded to Easter Mass at the local church, where Walker threw up twice in the bathroom. After the ceremony, the Walkers went for brunch at the Colgate Inn, after which they departed for home in Albany. When asked if he had any final reflections about his spiritual reenactment, Walker said, “Honestly, the fact that I made it through this visit is the real miracle.”
The Monthly Rag 
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