HAMILTON, NY— Last year was undeniably the highlight of female Halloween costumes with the introduction of Margot Robbie’s Harley Quinn; DC provided women (along with a few men of conventional irony and secure masculinity) for a single night the feminine ideal.

“It’s hard to find a character that romanticizes mental illness, abusive relationships, and atrocious tattoos while also being so fetishizedly sexy,” junior Christie Camembert explained, twisting her faux pink pigtail and eyeing the room warily for a Joker to sweep her off her feet and into a state of toxic dependency and romantic serfdom before thrusting her into the merciless will of gravity.

Though her analysis of the villainess’ sexual appeal is on the mark, fellow partygoers found her nostalgia of the past pitiful, the character no longer a figure on the forefront of universal imagination. “You wouldn’t see me dressing as Trump this Halloween, either be timeless or trending,” commented Tach brother James Manchego, seemingly unaware of the hypocrisy in his Vote for Pedro t-shirt and Jew-fro wig. In the search for relevance however, many Colgate students searched far and wide for the ideal pop-culture reference, ultimately reaching an autumnal epiphany.

This Halloween marked the undeniable reign of sexy Pennywise, of Stephen King’s “It,”, as the it costume of the year. In the sea of sexy cats and scandalous devils, beacons of orange provided illumination into the incredible ingenuity of the low self-esteemed. Instagram feeds flooded with Stephen King’s creature of fear turned femme-fatale, and positive reactions from local sexist douchebags confirmed there was something disconcertingly sexy about these killers clowns with cleavage. Beta pledge Chad Roquefort explained, “I mean, we already knew women are crazy and their tits are kinda their best asset, and I feel like this costume really drives that truth home.” Although official results have yet to be released, experts are predicting this year’s Halloweekend to set records for occurrences of mediocre one-night stands, in large part due to the prevalence of sexy Pennywise costumes.

The gender inclusivity this costume provides in the androgynous nature of immortal clown demons cannot be undervalued. A fair amount of fraternity brothers wore little other than an orange wig and a shade of facepaint only slightly more privileged than their natural complexions. The smearing of red lipstick was not irregular, as clowncest ensued amongst many of the Pennywise pandemic.

HAMILTON, NY—This week an encrypted message, similar to the infamous Zodiac letters, was sent to the offices of The Monthly Rag. Our crack team of codebreakers and cryptographers spent days trying to break its fiendish cypher, but through their diligence they were eventually able to unravel it. The full message follows.

I LIKE HAZING PLEDGES BECAUSE IT IS SO MUCH FUN. I LIKE HAZING PLEDGES IN MY BASEMENT. IT IS MORE FUN THAN GOING TO PARTIES BECAUSE SOPHOMORES ARE THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME. BREAKING A PLEDGES LEGS IS BETTER EVEN THAN GETTING YOUR ROCKS OFF WITH AN UNCONSCIOUS FRESHMAN GIRL. THE BEST PART IS THAT WHEN I DIE I WILL BE REBORN IN PARADISE AND ALL OF MY PLEDGES WILL BE MY SLAVES. YOU WILL NOT STOP ME FROM COLLECTING SOPHOMORES FOR THE AFTERLIFE. THE PIGS TRIED TO STOP ME FROM TAKING FRESHMEN GIRLS, BUT I JUST LET THEM IN AFTER THEY CHECK ANYWAY. MAYBE NEXT WEEK I WILL THROW A PARTY AND I WILL PUT XANAX IN THE PUNCH AND PICK OFF ALL THE LITTLE FRESHMEN WHEN THEY COME DOWN THE STAIRS AFTER THE SWEEP.

ΒΘΠ

HAMILTON, NY— Sounding confused and lost, Colgate freshman Alex Hay was seen in the library café consulting her friends regarding the meaning of several colloquial expressions she didn’t understand. “Do any of you have any clue what people were talking about during Homecoming weekend when they said it was snowing a lot? I didn’t get it at all since I was pretty sure it was sunny the whole time. Like, it does not snow in September,” asked Hay as her friends sipped on their skim milk iced lattés.

Lucy Reed, official “cool girl” of the recently-formed friend group, launched into an explanation immediately. “That’s definitely just a euphemism for how cold it was that weekend. I know sooo many upperclassmen – who can definitely get us into Tach on Friday, by the way – and they said it can get really cold at Colgate, even when it’s not winter. They were totally just joking about how it was weirdly cold that weekend.” This explanation seemed to make sense to most of them, judging by the nods from the whole group, and the girls returned to diligently checking Instagram and avoiding their readings for Legacies.

However, the peace of mind was broken several minutes later when another girl piped up, “Do you think that’s why I heard people saying they were going to go skiing at night? Like, just because of the cold?” Reed appeared uneased by this new turn of phrase, but kept pushing her correctness in order to maintain her position as coolest friend group member. This was all ruined, though, when a veritable avalanche of questions began. The girls started writing down a list of every strange phrase they heard an upperclassman say that weekend. To snow and skiing, they added: nose beers, blow, nose candy, and booger sugar.

The debate that followed the creation of the list was hot, furious, and unproductive. Reed was shaken by the group’s lack of faith in her original idea, and remained seriously invested in the discussion in order to maintain her power as Pregame Host. Finally, a breakthrough was reached when Hay said, “Wait, guys, like, I heard a lot of people at this one party I snuck into asking their friends if they had coke, and I assumed they meant the soda, but they all just seemed to sniff loudly and then go to the bathroom. Could that have something to do with it?” Every girl immediately grabbed her phone to research the new concept.

At press time, all five freshmen were sitting in shock with the realization that at Colgate, it snows year-round.

HAMILTON, NY— Sophomore Peter Linwood released a statement to the Monthly Rag that he is, in fact, not addicted to the Juul e-cigarette of which he was consistently ripping throughout his interview. Linwood explained that he had recently acquired a new pack of mint pods which are, “definitely the best,” and wanted to make the most of them while he had them, ending his sentence with another Juul rip.

Linwood added that he was, “totally not addicted,” and could, “quit whenever [he] felt like it,” but that he had no desire to quit hardcore ripping his Juul V3 anytime soon. The intended econ major also reported that he has a high nicotine tolerance and needs a lot to feel it, and that he would definitely know if he was addicted.

Sources close to the student say that they would never let Linwood get dependent upon his Juul. “He just can’t be spending all of his allowance on pod refills, like, he’s good until he has to ask his parents for extra money to get into the Jug, and I’d never let him get that bad,” said Linwood’s roommate, sophomore Josh Picken, as he took a rip of his own fruit medley pod. Picken supports his roommate’s denial of any Juul addiction, arguing that you can, “be a fiend and not be addicted, ya feel?”

When questioned on reports of being spotted ripping in his 11:20 Legacies class, Linwood replied, “it helps me think, and I’m just trying to be on my A game, is there anything wrong with that?”

As of press time, Linwood had emptied his pod and was seen asking Matt from down the hall for a rip after hearing a crackle from his direction.