Administration Sets Sights on Finally Improving Racial and Socioeconomic Diversity
HAMILTON, NY— Known for its considerable party scene and hard-liquor dependency, Colgate University was recently ranked eighth on “The Princeton Review’s Top 20 Party Schools of 2018.” Local Beta brother, Bret Pecorino, responded to this news, saying “I think it’s fucking great that all our efforts are being recognized. But it’s important to humble ourselves and understand that we can still improve other areas of the campus.” And even with Colgate’s strides toward improvement, other white, male students can’t help but sympathize in noticing its gaping inadequacies.
The New York Times, in a breakdown of collegiate economic distribution, found that Colgate had a larger student population from families in the top 1% than the entire student population in the bottom 60%. This places Colgate at seventh for greatest economic disparity between students. An underground, pseudo-legitimate Living Writers book club discussed this disturbingly low ranking. Said one student, clutching his copy of The Art of the Deal, “Like don’t get me wrong, I donate my old Vineyard Vines shirts to Goodwill like anybody else, but I shouldn’t be forced to interact with poor people on campus. I thought this was a safe space for me.”
When pressed about the issue and what Colgate was doing to fix it, President Casey responded, “We’ve been trying to limit the economic diversity of accepted applicants for years, but we can’t get it any lower without facing legal ramifications. The Supreme Court has my hands tied. Trust me, if the government wasn’t involved, do you really think we’d still have such a small amount of white students here?” Supporting his statement, the most recent demographic data shows that Colgate has a virtually nonexistent (70%) white student population.
But, being a socially-minded institution, Colgate is no stranger to noticing a lack of diversity on campus. As one First-Year having just been kicked out of DU puts it, “Men are completely underrepresented at this school. We gave the Women’s Studies Department an entire basement! And what’s up with frats only letting girls in? This is 2017. I thought we were past this kind of sexism.”
With a 10% higher population of females to males, the administration is doing all it can to bring male diversity back to campus. In regards to the school’s attempts, Dean McLoughlin said, “We’ve been doing the bare minimum in preventing and investigating sexual assaults on campus in hopes of paring down the female students. We still haven’t made any lists for high incidents of sexual assault, but our goal is to reach Buzzfeed’s top twenty by the end of this year.”
And as Colgate tries to boost PR by moving up on similar online lists, so many aspects of the school remain unranked. The duty now lies with the student body to push the campus into new realms of exploration. As one ex-rower put, “We haven’t even started to compete with other schools in how intense our hazing can be. But we’re planning on changing that this year.” So Colgate continues toward its goal of number one on any list, whatever it may be.
The Monthly Rag 
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