HAMILTON, NY— Sounding confused and lost, Colgate freshman Alex Hay was seen in the library café consulting her friends regarding the meaning of several colloquial expressions she didn’t understand. “Do any of you have any clue what people were talking about during Homecoming weekend when they said it was snowing a lot? I didn’t get it at all since I was pretty sure it was sunny the whole time. Like, it does not snow in September,” asked Hay as her friends sipped on their skim milk iced lattés.
Lucy Reed, official “cool girl” of the recently-formed friend group, launched into an explanation immediately. “That’s definitely just a euphemism for how cold it was that weekend. I know sooo many upperclassmen – who can definitely get us into Tach on Friday, by the way – and they said it can get really cold at Colgate, even when it’s not winter. They were totally just joking about how it was weirdly cold that weekend.” This explanation seemed to make sense to most of them, judging by the nods from the whole group, and the girls returned to diligently checking Instagram and avoiding their readings for Legacies.
However, the peace of mind was broken several minutes later when another girl piped up, “Do you think that’s why I heard people saying they were going to go skiing at night? Like, just because of the cold?” Reed appeared uneased by this new turn of phrase, but kept pushing her correctness in order to maintain her position as coolest friend group member. This was all ruined, though, when a veritable avalanche of questions began. The girls started writing down a list of every strange phrase they heard an upperclassman say that weekend. To snow and skiing, they added: nose beers, blow, nose candy, and booger sugar.
The debate that followed the creation of the list was hot, furious, and unproductive. Reed was shaken by the group’s lack of faith in her original idea, and remained seriously invested in the discussion in order to maintain her power as Pregame Host. Finally, a breakthrough was reached when Hay said, “Wait, guys, like, I heard a lot of people at this one party I snuck into asking their friends if they had coke, and I assumed they meant the soda, but they all just seemed to sniff loudly and then go to the bathroom. Could that have something to do with it?” Every girl immediately grabbed her phone to research the new concept.
At press time, all five freshmen were sitting in shock with the realization that at Colgate, it snows year-round.
The Monthly Rag 
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